Consciously Coping: A Personal Story of Bipolar Disorder w/ Lindsay Anderson

EPISODE OVERVIEW: Disclaimer: This interview includes sensitive content that may be triggering, including, but not limited to suicide ideation and mental illness. 

This episode is in honor of World Bipolar Day.  I have the pleasure of interviewing Lindsay Anderson, who shares her personal experience of living with and managing multiple mental health conditions, including bipolar disorder, generalized anxiety disorder and PTSD.  She delves into the complexities of being misdiagnosed for years, navigating the mental healthcare system, and the importance of self-advocacy, amongst other topics.

In this episode we discuss:

• How Lindsay started her blog, Consciously Coping, after searching YouTube for black mental health providers and not finding any
• Lindsay’s mental health journey, which began in middle school with extreme bullying 
• The symptoms of bipolar disorder and how different episodes can feel
• How getting the right diagnosis and right meds made a world of difference in managing her symptoms
• Her 30 day stay in the psych ward and what the experience was like
• Having a stroke and being paralyzed for 3 months
• Lindsay’s toolkit for managing her mental health
• ..and much more!

ABOUT THE GUEST: Lindsay (she/her/hers) is a mental illness advocate, writer, and scientist with 20+ years of lived experience. She is well known for her raspy, yet powerful voice and honesty about the mental health system in America. 

How you can connect with Lindsay:

• Email: coping.consciously@gmail.com
• Facebook
• Instagram  
• YouTube 

RESOURCES MENTIONED:

• Imade Nibokun (Depressed While Black)
• Dr. Joy (TherapyforBlackGirls) 
• The Okra Project 
• TKO Alabama 
• Dr. Amber Thorton (Balanced Working Momma) 

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Transcript

EP.23 | Consciously Coping: A Personal Story of Bipolar Disorder w/ Lindsay Anderson

Faith: Well, listen, Sista Circle Podcast community, I am so grateful to have today's guest with us, Lindsay Anderson from the Consciously Coping blog. Lindsay, welcome to the Sista Circle, Queen.

Lindsey: Hey, how are you doing?

Faith: I am well. I am well. Excited to have you here with us.

Lindsey: Yes, I'm excited. I love speaking. I love just giving back and talking to our folks. You know, I'm always passionate about our people, so, you know, excited.

Faith: So listen, I said we just go ahead and jump right into it. I always like to start my interviews with setting an intention. So with that being said, what is your intention for the women who will encounter your episode on the podcast?

Lindsey: Absolutely. One thing I've been focusing on myself for this month is really giving myself a lot of grace. So I want to set the intention for myself. Once I do like podcast, I'm like, I should have said that, shouldn't have said this, you know, I should have said it better, and just realizing that confidence is not how attractive I am to society. Confidence is really knowing that I'm going to be my true self and I'm going to show up every time. And just having that confidence of knowing I made the best decision. So, I want to set the intention to know that I made the best decision. I am the best. And you know, in the words of Tina Turner, simply the best, better than all the rest. So, that's the tension we're going to set.

Faith: All right. I like that a lot. I like that a whole lot. So, who is Lindsay, where are you from and what is your personal mission?

Lindsey: I am born and raised from Savannah, Georgia, so I'm a Southern girl. I like grit, love bacon, I love fried fish with mustard, you know, so I'm definitely...

Faith: Oh yeah, with the mustard. Yes.

Lindsey: Quintessential Southern girl. I moved around a lot. I initially went to college at [uncleare01:54], so down in Tallahassee. I was in the March of 100. Then life happened and I moved back home and kind of moved to South Carolina to different places, and now I'm back home for good. Well, for good until I graduate. I'm in school now at Savannah State University, so that's a big part of who I am now. Of course, I'm a mom. I'm a daughter, I'm a single baby to my mom, so I'm kind of in that stage of like, we're kind of switching roles now, I'm like, "Mom, you got to do this. You got to do that." So, I'm like semi-caregiver now. Like, I'm at the semi-caregiver state. Yeah, so that's really kind of a little bit of my background of where I'm from and what I kind of do on a day to day basis. But like you said, I am a blogger and I run Consciously Coping and I've been doing Consciously Coping for about five or six years now.

Faith: Oh, wow.

Lindsey: It started out as a YouTube channel and it really started as trying to find a mental health person on YouTube. So I'm in the search engine, black man with mental health disorder, black woman with a mental disorder, black person, and I only found one person. And so I was kind of disheartened. I was like, man, I know it can't be one person. You know, I was just kind of like, that's kind of odd. So I said, oh, I can incorporate this into my YouTube channel. And so, I started transparency Thursday, which is now transparency Tuesday. And I just would talk about pressing things as far as anxiety, depression, you know, and just kind of give my personal opinion of things happen such as big losses and just kind of different things in the media. And so, it just kind of took off. I always tell people it was a very self-serving thing in the beginning. And then once I start to see messages and emails about, wow, I thought I was the only person who really felt this way, then I realized like, oh, this is bigger than me. And then that's when it kind shifted and it became Consciously Coping and pretty much what it is today. I love it. I love doing that. That's my thing.

Faith: That is so awesome. And I absolutely love the name consciously coping. How did you with that?

Lindsey: Funny story. So initially, it was Lindsay with an "A" because my name is Lindsay and it's spelt with an A, and for some reason, everybody wants to spell it with an E. And so, I was like, "Lindsay with an A - get my name right." Once I realized really that it was a bigger purpose for me, I said, "You know, this name doesn't serve other people. This is me saying, 'Hey Lindsay with an A,' and I said I need to change your name." And so I was kind of brainstorming and coming up with these ideas. And I was like, that doesn't feel like me who I am as a person. I will never forget, I was driving my son to school. He was in the first grade. So when I dropped him off, I was on my way to work.

And it's about a 20 minute drive to where I used to work, and I had the radio on I'm like, "What do I do every day? What am I trying to do? What is my goal?" And kind of talking to myself, I'm like, well, I'm trying to cope. I'm like, but I don't want to say coping mechanism, you know? I was like, that's weird. And so I started out with "cope" and I was like, what are you doing with cope? What are you trying to do when you cope? Black girl coping - I was like, no, I don't like that. And I was like, it's something you do consciously. I was like, it's a conscious effort that you're making to coping. And I was like, oh my gosh, consciously coping. I was like, that's perfect. And so I just talked myself through it. I'm like, what am I trying to do? I am trying to cope. How am I trying to cope? Consciously. And once it clicked, I was like, that makes so much sense. And I love it. Every time people hear it...

Faith: I love it too. It is so bomb.

Lindsey: Yeah, people are like, that is really cool that you came up with consciously coping. I said I'm telling you, and it's really good. You know, I feel like while I love the organizations with black that begin; begin with black and end with black. I really wanted something that people could understand what I'm really trying to do. And of course, when you read my bio, if you go on my page, I'm always black African-American, black women, black men, but the title, I really wanted to make sure people understood what I'm trying to do. You know, I'm trying to get us all to consciously cope for us to really think about it and be active and invested and divested in our coping and have positive coping mechanisms. And so I was like, you know, I wanted to say like black girl consciously coping. And I was like, that's okay, but I was like, I like consciously. I just like it and I feel like that is very powerful. And people like, oh, wow, this is a conscious effort. And I think a lot of people went in hear, they're like, that makes so much sense.

Faith: It does, it does, and it is so good. When I first stumbled across it, I was just like, oh, the name alone was like, oh, okay, this is something that I'm interested in learning more, like, what is this? So, that's super dope. Talk to me a little bit. So consciously coping, you first said that you were using it, it was like self-serving, right. So you were using it as a way to kind of like process your feelings and emotions, and so what has been your mental health journey?

Lindsey: So I'm going to give you the short version of a long story. So my mental health journey began when I was in middle school. I was really bullied, teased, harassed, vilified, I mean, just extreme. I'm 37, so for me, when I was in middle school was like, what? Mid nineties? Nobody was having conversations about being bullied, especially in the black community.

Faith: We're the same age, so yes, I'm very much so familiar.

Lindsey: Yeah. And so I know like people in my generation are like, my mom said, I got to fight you. Like, you talk about me, I got to fight you. And I just wasn't that person, like, that's just not how, you know, my mom and them were like, you don't need to be out here fighting folks, you need to go to school so I really took it in. So people were calling me names and saying I was unattractive and just different things. And like, you're going to do my homework and so I was taking it in as a personal thought. So I really took that on as time, you know, after I kept hearing it so many times, I started to believe it. So I held all of that in, and it wasn't until seventh grade, my best friend at the time, she was like, what's up with you? Something's not right. Something's off. I was being really distant, just really quiet. I'm a very talkative person, and she could just kind of tell something's not. And so she went to our nurse and she was like, I don't know what's wrong with my friend, but something is wrong. She's not being himself. You know, she's always crying. She doesn't talk anymore. And at the time I was transitioning from staying with my grandmother to move in with my mom.

And they were like, we got to get her some help. And my grandmother, very religious Baptist, you know, like, oh, we're just going to pray. She's going to be okay. And so, I kind of fell into that, that thing. And so I just really struggled from 12 to about 27. When I went to college initially, I started having panic attacks, chronic panic attacks every day. I was going to the hospital, because my friends didn't know how to kind of identify that oh, this is just an anxiety attack, we need to just bring her into an environment that is very calming. They would panic. And so when they panicked, then I would panic. And they would just take me to the hospital. So I started wrecking up hospital bills by, let me see, 2005 I was hospitalized and it was an involuntary hospitalization. I was in Florida, so it's called being baker act. I was baker acted, so that was a 72 hour stay. I was like, "I don't want to be here. I shouldn't be here and nothing's wrong with me, I'm fine. I got it under control."

I didn't tell the truth about kind of how I was feeling. I was like, I'm just stressed, I'm tired, and I left there, I started going to an anxiety specialist therapist. She was amazing. She helped me with my anxiety. She was really good. Once I stopped going to her in about eight weeks, I was like, oh, I'm fine. I got this. And I was okay. And then I just kind of plummet again. And then in 2011, I went back to a mental health facility for 30 days, and so that was like kind of the eye opening experience. That was the beginning of like, you kind of got to get this thing, you know, you kind of got to get this together.

Faith: Really quick, Lindsay. So you said that by the next time that you entered the hospital, your hospital stay was for 30 days, right. So, was that voluntary or was that involuntary?

Lindsey: So it was voluntary. I called one of my really good friends and I was like, I am losing it. I was like, I can't sleep. I crying hysterically. I need you to stay on the phone just talk to me for about an hour or two. So we talked for about two and a half hours. At the time I was married and my husband at the time was at work, and so we hung up and she's like, okay, you know, just go to sleep, tomorrow everything will be okay. And I was like, okay. And so we got off the phone and I couldn't stop the racing thoughts. It's like trying to say, okay, well if I take these pills and he comes home and it looks like I'm asleep. Well, we do have a gun, you know? And so once I've kind of felt myself trying to figure out how can I take my life, and I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You know, like, wait a minute, wait a minute. And so I was like, you got to go.

So I got up and I called my friend. I was like, I got to go to the hospital. I was like, if I stay home, I'm not going to make it. I'm not, like, I'm just not. And so I got up and pack me a little bag, which I don't know why because they take everything, but I got up anyway. And I went right to the hospital and I was like, if you let me go home, I won't be here any longer. And so, day three, they were like, you want to leave. And the social worker was like, I don't think you should leave. She was like, I'm really concerned as, you know, suicidal as you were, I'm really concerned that if we let you go home, it's only been three days. And so I told her, I agreed and stayed for 30 days.

Faith: So for 30 days, what were you doing?

Lindsey: Ironically, this is the same hospital I went to the first time when I thought I just wasn't enough. And they had made a lot of changes. So, it's a behavioral center. It's not necessarily like a mental health center. I mean, it's a mental health encompass in that, but for the section that I was in, their sections are lettered. So, 'A' was people who can kind of function, B was people who can't function, and then C were children/adolescent. And so, I was in the functioning group. The first few days they have you kind of like in solitude, you eat by yourself, you go to therapy, you go to just single therapy, you meet with your social worker. If you have children, you know, you meet with a psychiatrist, so it's like you're kind of by yourself. Once day three kind of passes, then they kind of like introduce you with everyone who's there.

And so, you know, you go to group sessions. They have music therapy, they have group therapy, you go to single therapy. So there's a lot of therapeutic services and they really encourage you to do them. They won't force you. Well, when I was there this time, they won't force you to go to anything unless you wanted to, and you didn't have to go to everything. They just kind of like, "You're sure? We recommend you go do this." But yeah, and I did that for 30 days and I really felt like I had a break because I was a mom, and so my grandmother had already had my son for like about a week before I went to the hospital, and so it really felt like a break.

You know, my husband wasn't there, so it wasn't like the weight of, I got to be the perfect wife. I didn't have to be the perfect mom. I didn't have to be the perfect employee. I could just go to this place and tend to Lindsay. And so, yeah, I honestly, it was like the best. I know it sounds bad, but it was the best 30 days of my life.

Faith: No, that's good that she got to focus on you. Yeah.

Lindsey: And so, some of that weight was taken off and of course, there are negative things about mental health facilities. There are negative things about all of them. And so this time, like I said, this is my second time going, so for me, it was a totally different experience than the first time. The first time was horrible. But this time, they had new people working, you could tell people were kind of trained a little bit better. Things were a lot - they had made a lot of changes, so I once I left, I was like, okay, I feel better, I feel good, and they were like, "Well, you got to keep this going." And course me, "I'm fine. I feel good now." So, I went right back to the, "I feel good now."

Faith: So when you go back to the, I feel good, does that mean like, were you given medication or no?

Lindsey: So while you're there, they give you medication. So for me, I was suicidal and I hadn't been sleeping. So of course, they gave me ambient to make me go to sleep. They put me on Buspar, Buspar is for the depression, and it made me heck of sick, very sick, vomiting, just like this is not working. So they stopped it and they were like, we got to figure out something else. We got to try to decide. So it took a few days. And what did they put me on the second time first was Buspar, and I want to say it was Wellbutrin. It was Wellbutrin, which I four and it really didn't work. And so a psychiatrist there actually suggested, he said, you know, I really think that you may have bipolar disorder. I don't really think you have depression. And I was like, no, I don't. No, I don't have bipolar. What are you talking about, I'm always depressed. And he said, well, you've been here three days and you're up beat and you're talking and you're hanging out, and he was like, that's not how you were two days ago.

And so, yeah, he was like, I want you to continue to go to a therapist and a psychiatrist to really have conversation and see these people on a reoccurring basis and then they'll be able to determine kind of what's going on. But yeah, they put you on whatever and they will let you know, if you do not take the medication, you will not leave. Like, they set that foundation when you get there, like, you don't take this, you aren't leaving, which is, I'm always kind of torn between people should have their own rights, and then if you are harm to yourself - and so I'm always like, I don't know how I feel about that, but you can refuse. You can refuse to say no, and they'll say, well, you got to stay, then you can go through legal steps at that point. So if you decided like, oh, well I don't want to take this medicine, as long as it's after 72 days, then you can start legal proceedings and go to court and try to get yourself out of there.

Faith: That's a lot. That's a whole lot.

Lindsey: Yes. Oh, they don't play. Yeah. Yeah.

Faith: Wow. So 30 days pass, you leave the treatment facility and then what happens?

Lindsey: So, I left - that had to be March because my son's birthday's in April so it was March. Went back to work and I was there for about a week and I was like, I can't, I can't do this. Like, I can't even work. I was like a team lead over the stockroom. Very stressful job. Had to be on my feet all day, had to be around people, had to lead a team, had to, you know?

Faith: Had to lead a team.

Lindsey: Yeah. And so it was a lot, and it was just too much. I was really trying to like get back in the groove of being that hard worker that it was, and coming on time and staying late, and it was too much. I was really dealing with a lot of things and I was like, I can't do this. I went to talk to my assistant manager and manager and I said, "Hey, you know, I want to talk to you all." And when I walked in, the assistant manager said, she said, oh, we wanted to talk to you as well, "Well, we're kind of concerned about your role. Are you able to handle this? We know that it's a lot of challenges in the back." And I said, "Well, that's what I'm coming to talk to you about." I said, I just don't think I can work. And so I said, you know, I want to put my two week notice in because I can't function. I can't even function, and so I put my two weeks’ notice in and I went to my husband and I was like, "I don't want to live here anymore. I got to go." And so he was just kind of like, okay. And I was like, I got to get out of here. And so I was like, I'm leaving in weeks. And he just was like, oh, like what?

Faith: Oh, so you were leaving Florida.

Lindsey: Yeah. I was like, I can't do this. So I packed my bags and me and my son were gone. And I left and I came back and I moved in with my grandparents and I was just like, I can't do it. I have a really bad habit of not telling people when things are like going not so well. And so I do this thing where I'm like, and I don't want to face it, so let me just go this way. I kind of run. The problem is, your problems kind of run faster than you do. And so, yeah, I moved back home and kind of didn't tell people what was going on and kind of just like, I'm here. So people were like, what made you, you know, like, aren't you and your husband still together?

It was like a weird space for everybody because they were like, are y'all divorced, separated? Are you together? Are you going back? And I was just kind of like, ah, you know, I'm just going stay here for a while. My grandma was kind of like, is everything okay? And I was like, oh, I'm fine. And so, I did a lot of that for a long time and really depressed really, you know, just having poor coping mechanisms. I was drinking and partying and you know, so it's kind of went through that spiral out. And then of course, per usual, depression kind of sunk back in, kind of became chronic again, ideation became chronic again and it was just like that vicious cycle was back. And I still tried to - I get it, I got it. I got it. And I did that for a long time until 2017. And then I was like, I can't, I can't, I can't like, I was just like, I can't do this anymore. I'm tired of running. I'm tired of leaving. I'm tired of moving. I just want to feel better.

And so one of my stepmom's neighbors was like, "I go to the therapist, she's black. I love her. She's older. You should try her." About three weeks later, I called, I scheduled my appointment and I went and that was the beginning of consistently going to a therapist. That was it. Yeah, that was it. I started going to the psychiatrist about seven weeks after my first therapy session, I got diagnosed correctly because I was misdiagnosed since I was 12.

Faith: Wait, so you had been misdiagnosed?

Lindsey: Yeah.

Faith: Girl, what?

Lindsey: They don't listen to black folks, girl. They don't listen to us.

Faith: So you have been diagnosed up until that point which is what like depression.

Lindsey: Yeah. So this dysthymia, which is not a chronic depression, not like major depression. So major depression is kind of characterized as having long, extensive, debilitating depression. Dysthymia is having a mild depression, like you're more so in a low mood and it lasts about two months or it can last a few years, but it's so mild that you're kind of able to "function". So they said I had dysthymia as well as generalized anxiety disorder and PTSD. I was like, oh, okay. And then 2017, I go to the psychiatrist and I'm like telling her, you know, she's like our first session's going to be like an hour and a half. So I'm like, okay, so I'm talking and she's asking all these questions and we're just having a great conversation. And so she says, well, I really think you have bipolar disorder. And I was like, what?

And she was like, so what I want to do is I want to try a mood stabilizer. She said, but we're going to start at a really low dose and we're going to work our way up and we're going to see kind of what happens. She said, because about once you hit about 75 milligrams, you'll be able to see a big difference. I was like, okay. And so she said, most people don't react that way. And I was like, I'm just taking it in. You know, I was just kind of like taking it in and I walked out and I remember I got, I had to go back to work. And so I got in my car and I just like stopped. And I said, oh my God, I have bipolar polar disorder. And it just kind of hit me, and then I started crying and I was like, oh my gosh, I'm never going to have friends again. You know, nobody's going to want to date me. They're going to try to take my kids. You know, now people are going to call me crazy, you know, like all of these thoughts started running in my mind and I just was a hysterical mess.

And I went back to work and I was like, I'm really drained. And they didn't know I was going to a psychiatrist, but I was like, I don't feel good. I kind of got some news that kind of just, you know, and I was like, can I go home? And they said, oh yeah, no problem. So I went home and kind of cried all night. And that was that. So I started on Lamitor, which is a mood stabilizer. And about six weeks in, I was like, I have so much energy. I was like, oh my gosh, I can get things done. And as we progressively increase the dosage, I feel like a whole new person. I was like, oh my gosh, I could have been feeling like this for years. And had I not been on antidepressants which never worked. And I tried so many and I'm like this isn't working. And they're like, well, that's switch to a different antidepressant. I'm like, but I don't think that's the problem.

Once I got on that - I'm still on Lamitor. I love it. It works amazing. I don't want to ever change it. I know eventually that I'll probably have to switch up typically with SSRIs and different mood stabilizers. Once you use it for a while, your body kind of gets regulated to it. So most likely within about, I think it's like five to seven years, you kind of have to switch up and change medication. So when that time, or if that time comes, I'll be ready to rock and roll, like, Hey, Hey, let's go. Like, no, no, no, let's get this together.

Faith: So tell me this. How would you define like bipolar disorder and are you... like I know that there's a bipolar one and bipolar or two and which are?

Lindsey: I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder type two. I don't like how they say it medically because they make it seem like if you manage bipolar disorder type two that you're just highly able to function, you are able to live life to the best of your ability. And so it's known as the functioning bipolar disorder; you have low moods and mild highs. So like you can have like, you won't experience mania, what we see on TV, if you watch, what was that Empire? Yeah. Empire and Andre, I think he's supposed to have. And how erratic he, oh my gosh, I really did not like his character, but just heretic behavior and kind of some of the anger he had and he's supposed to have like bipolar disorder type one and some of those traits. But yeah, so type one, like I said is a lot of mania, but what people fail to understand is that bipolar disorder, you have a ton of depression. You have a lot depression. It's very chronic. It's very intense. And so with bipolar disorder type two, I have really low, like mild highs, but I have really devastating lows and they last for such a long period of time.

Faith: So what does it feel like when you're in the moment? Like, how does it feel?

Lindsey: So now that I'm on medication, I can actually differentiate between, I'm just feeling low and I'm actually in a full blown depressive episode. For me, it's more of noticing like my behavioral changes. When I'm really anxious, I like don't fold clothes, I don't clean up, I kind of like throw stuff around the room. And I'm just like, you know, like my room is chaotic because my life will be chaotic at that point. I can tell the difference between being anxious and depressed, just based off of small things like, oh, I didn't do my hair today, I just put it in ponytail. Oh, well I didn't have enough energy to take a shower so I just washed off. So it's like the energy, I can feel like the energy decreased. And I know to most average people, they're like, you didn't want to take a bath? And I'm like, it's not that I didn't want to, I just didn't have the energy to. So things like that is when I start knowing like, okay, I'm in a low mood or I'm either about to go into a full blown depressive episode.

I sleep a lot when I'm depressed. Like, I sleep a lot. I'm always sleepy. I just want to stay in the bed. I kind of just want to, you know, curl up and watch TV and go to bed. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to talk to people. Everything is like I can't do. I don't have enough energy to deal with that. Physically, I can definitely feel it. Like everything is tense. You know, I can feel it like in my body, I can feel it in my back, a lot of migraines, a lot of nausea, so just a lot of physical symptoms. My blood pressure becomes elevated when I'm really anxious or even depressed. I can kind of gauge it now.

Faith: That's interesting, the mind body connection though.

Lindsey: Yeah. Yeah. I can gauge, I really can gauge like, okay, wait a minute, kind of easing off. Even with hypomania, like I can tell. I'm like, okay, you're rambling. Okay, you don't remember a whole conversation you just had. Okay, you stayed up all night, three days in a row, you only had two hours of sleep. Like, I can start pimping. I'm like, oh crap. You know, I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, we got to call the psychiatrist. Luckily now, because I've been managing so long, my psychiatrist I have now I have backup ambient. She's already prescribed it. So in the event I am like noticing myself getting into a hypomanic episode, I can take it so I can go back to sleep. So the key really with like hypomania and even mania is to get yourself back regulated with your sleep because that's like a key sign.

Oh yeah. That's like, as soon as you feel yourself like, oh man, I stayed up all day, I only slept two hours. Okay, maybe you are studying for an exam. Then you do it Tuesday, then you do it Wednesday and you do it Thursday, and you still have just as much energy as you have when you slept eight hours. That's what it's like with something - the average person who sleeps two hours is going to be exhausted, and so that's really like my key sign. And so for me, it's important to get back on that sleep schedule. It's important for me to like, okay, we got to go back to sleep because it's going just continue to bottom out. So, I already have ambient so I can already take that and go back to bed, so I can already get my sleep back regulated. And then of course, it's a little different if you're experiencing like hallucination. So if you are experiencing mania, like if you're type one, you most likely ambient and like something to get you to sleep, won't kind of help you until you can get to the doctor because you're most likely going to need an antipsychotic medication. And so even people who manage bipolar disorder type two, you can experience mania. So, I can ideally one day experience mania. So it's not that people with bipolar disorder two can experience it, it's just that it's not really common.

Faith: It's not the same frequency.

Lindsey: It's not a common symptom.

Faith: So you said that you experience like the depressive state, they last for a very long period of time. What's a long period of time?

Lindsey: When I explain this to people, people are like, you got to be kidding me. So, chronic suicidal ideation as far back as I can remember how long I like just wanted to not be here, would be about when I was about 21 until I was 27, and so it was like every day. I would wake up and be like, I don't want to be here. I would be driving, like, I wish I could drive off the side of the road. You know, it was like, oh man, if I got in a car accident, I wouldn't care. If I got cancer, I wouldn't care. It was just always like those ruminating thoughts of like, oh I wish somebody would just like come to my house and shoot me. You know, I was like, I just don't want to be here. And so, that feeling just was every day, every day it was just like a revolving door. It never changed. It never got better. And so that was just the chronic part of it.

The depressive episodes for me would go really long periods of time. So I'd be in a really deep depressive episode for like two months straight and then like I would kind of come out of it, but it would just be just enough to get me back to, I can take a shower, I can go to work, but I still would have bouts of, I just want to sleep. I'm just crying all day. You know, I don't want to eat, you know, so I would still feel those things, but it wouldn't be as intense. So the intensity would kind of wear off and then it would kind of go back down. So I was kind of always fluctuating between extremely depressed and then just mildly depressed. And I mean, that went on for years.

Faith: Is there any way that you can kind of come out of that depression? And like you said, so for example, you said to help manage like the bipolar piece, right? If you manage your sleep, then you can see your symptoms decrease. Is there anything when you're like in a depressive state that you can take or that you can do to kind of help elevate your mood?

Lindsey: Everybody is different. Most doctors, most psychiatrists and therapists will tell you to go walk or go sit on the porch, getting sun, getting that vitamin D will help. And even if you take vitamin D pills, your body can't really absorb it as well. Unlike the sun, go sit out in the sun for a few minutes, get that little sun, that little fresh breeze, that little air that will kind of raise those endorphins and serotonin levels. And you'll be like, oh, I feel a little better. That doesn't necessarily work for me just because my depression is really chronic. For me, it's like taking small steps, doing small thing, like setting small goals. So for me, it's like, okay, write a list of things that you want to do. Okay, great. So, hmm, you want to just eat breakfast in the morning? If all I can do is get up and eat a biscuit, I'm like, I did a lot. I got to give myself grace because that's all I can do.

And so just really like trying to tell myself, like, okay, do something small, just anything small is okay. I always tell people I have yet to figure out what I can do when I'm in a depressive episode because I can't get myself out of it. Like, I have to go to the doctor. There's no way for me, okay, I can just talk myself through this, like I can do a panic attack. I can't do that because I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's like, it's too late. You know, once I get like in a deep chronic episode, I can't see myself out. But if I'm in a low mood, if I'm just kind of like just a low mood, you know, I can see myself out of that.

I can journal, I can maybe start stretching and incorporating a routine, that's really important. For me, that helps me with anxiety. But of course it helps for other things, but you know, stretching in the morning, listening to meditative music at night, those type of things kind of do help me kind of try to push some of that down because what I found from my doctor or multiple psychiatrists is that, if you allow like anxiety to continuously go on and go on and you don't get help, it will trigger a depressive episode. So if you continue to kind of let that happen, eventually you're going to trigger yourself into a depressive episode. And if you kind of continue to let that happen if you have bipolar disorder, you can trigger yourself to go in a hypomanic episode. So it's all about trying to really manage everything before it gets worse, before it kind of bottoms out, before it kind of gets to the chronic and you know, full blown depressive. With depression, just for me, I can't think of it. I always try to tell people, I'm like, I don't know what to tell you to do because people ask me for advice. And I'm like, I don't have an answer because nothing really works for me when I'm in a chronic depress. Like, I just have to go to the doctor. That's my only to get out of it.

Faith: When you say go to the doctor, like what happens when you go to the doctor?

Lindsey: So if you are in a depressive episode, which I have been in tons of times and gone to my psychiatrist, what they typically do in my case, what has happened for me is we increase my medication. And so with Lamitor, you have to start off with a low milligram, typically 25. And you have to - it's such a strong medication, you have to titrate it until where you get to a point where you're like, okay, this, I feel good. This works, I don't need anymore, this dosage is fine. And so once we got to, I think it was 75, we kind of waited like two or three months. And she's like, how does this feel? And I was like, I don't think this going to work. So we bumped it up, which I had already been on Lamitor before, but then I moved back home and all that happened, and then I didn't have a doctor, so it was like a period. I went through like a whole year with nothing. We kind of just tweaked it.

So recently, last week, we actually went from 150 to 200, so now I'm at 200 milligrams. And so when I went, I told her and she said, "Well, how do you feel?" And I said, "Well, I feel okay," but I am afraid because I was on 175 and I got kicked into a hypomanic episode, so I feel like I need just a little cushion to like about 200. So, just in case I have just that little cushion, and honestly I can tell the difference. I've been on it a week, and I can already tell the increases, like I have energy, I can do things, I feel good, feel motivated, I don't have all those negative thoughts, and I'm a bad person and I'm guilty. Like all of that has kind of started to cease. So, that's a solution. It's not the quick solution though, because if you're in a chronic depressive episode, you get medicine today that's not going to help you today.

So, that's when they start asking those questions of do you want to harm yourself? Do you want to harm any anybody else? My only thing with that is average person is not going to tell the doctor. Most people are scared. They don't want to be hospitalized. They don't want the police to be called. So your average person is going to say, oh no, I'm fine. And so, once you get to a space where I am and you feel comfortable and like really advocating for yourself and saying like, "Yes, I am having suicidal ideation. No, I don't want to harm myself. No, I don't need to go to the hospital. I just need to increase my dosage." Like once you get to a place where you're able to like put your foot down and advocate, you'll notice kind of your doctor, like, "Oh, I can't push this person. Like, okay, they know what they need." And so, I've been fortunate though, to have psychiatrists who really listen and say, what do you need? How do you feel? Do you think we need to go? Do you think, you know, and they kind of gauge it that way, and so that has really been amazing.

But if you're in an oppressive episode and you go to the doctor, they're going to give you something, they may increase it, they may change it. But unfortunately, you kind of got to work through it until you can kind of get to that place where it doesn't feel so intense. Anti-Psychotic however, work a little quicker. But most of times, if you need an antipsychotic, they will hospitalize you, because ideally at that time they assume that you're danger to yourself and a danger to somebody else, so most likely you'll be hospitalized.

Faith: So tell me this, I think that one of the things that is kind of like woven throughout all of this has been like your level of consciousness about your mental wellbeing. So, how do you believe that we as women, we can become more conscious about our wellbeing mentally? Because I think that, you know, like you talked about how you had symptoms, as you were thinking about as early as 12 years old, right? And so it was like this thing over time, but normalizing how you felt, and so now you have like this level of consciousness. And so, how do you think other women can be more conscious of their mental wellbeing?

Lindsey: Be honest, I think women, we do this thing where we tell people what we think they want to hear. And I do it, I'm really bad at it. I tell with people what I think they want to hear, what I think they'll like, what I think will make them feel comfortable, while I'll be like, oh, I need to do this. And that's not being honest. That's not confidence. Like confidence is you being true to yourself and you being like, I'm showing up, I'm showing up for me, and I'm being my... that is like textbook definition of confidence. It's not how attractive you are societal. Society tells us we're attractive, that has nothing to do with you. But you know you're speaking your truth, you're showing up for yourself, you're being authentic with yourself, then you're like, oh, I'm confident I can do that. So I think being honest with not only yourself, but other people - I know boundaries have been this big, like topic of discussion, but it is so true. It is so true. You have to set boundaries, and with everybody: your children, your spouse, your coworkers, your family, like every single person.

Faith: Everybody! With yourself.

Lindsey: Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. And I think as black women, we have to understand, you know, setting the boundary. A lot of black women, we like the people please. We want to tone ourselves and we don't want to be seen as a loud, angry black girl. We don't want to be seen as the loud ghetto black girl or whatever that even means. I have a whole issue with calling people ghetto, but that's just me. But we try to not live up to those standards. You know, we try to like supersede that. I just watched MSNBC or CNN, and they were just saying like, oh, we're doing this great big, like documentary on, like women are taking over college. And 80% of colleges are full of women and men aren't going and it's declining. And you know, all of these things and you see black women being praised for having the highest numbers of becoming entrepreneurs. And so, I really feel like a lot of that is like, we are trying to show people we're deserving, we're worthy, look at us, look what we can do. You know, look how strong we are, look how resilient we are, look how powerful we are. And it's like, you can do all of that by setting a boundary. You can do all of that by being true with yourself. Like, you can do all of those things by being true to yourself. You don't have to prove anything to anybody. And I think just self-reflection, being honest with yourself, giving yourself grace.

Faith: Yes. Giving yourself grace and not feeling like you always have to have your shit together. I'm sorry. For real. It's like always this notion of always having your shit together. And it's like, no, sometimes you won't, you won't, Queen.

Lindsey: You won't. There will never be a moment in your life where you get everything perfect. There will never be a moment in your life where it's the right moment. Like, oh, I did it like perfectly. I started this thing - that is a myth. That is what society has told us. This is a westernized society. You start looking back at our people and you start looking at what our people do, and you start looking at other countries in their stress level and just how much they don't deal with anxiety and depression. And you listen to the culture and what they do and how they help each other and how they pour into each other, and it's like, what are we doing? It's like, what are we doing here? How can we get out of that? And so yeah, absolutely, mental health, I think for black women has been really on the rise. We are seeing a lot of black women come out with just amazing platforms. I mean, just awesome platforms and really trying to be a beacon of coping and really managing your mental health and mental wellness. And it's so many avenues, like I'm so excited to see black women get back to our roots, going into yoga. What?

Faith: Yes, yes.

Lindsey: You know how powerful yoga is to the body and the mind and the spirit?

Faith: And the mind, all of that. Yep.

Lindsey: Oh my God. So seeing us kind of go back home, to me, you know, I think is just an amazing thing to get our mental wellness together. And it's important; women are, and always will be like the pillars of everything. We run everything. Black women run everything. We are the movers and the shakers. We are the creators. We are the founders. That's us. That's who we are. And we don't even try to do it and we do it. We leave our drip everywhere. We don't even try to drip.

Faith: Sprinkling it everywhere.

Lindsey: Yeah. We just sprinkle it everywhere. And so, yeah, it's, it's important. And I think, you know, just like I said, being honest, being true, giving yourself grace, knowing that you can't do it all at the same time. Girl, putting it on a calendar, like it's okay, you can do it, just not all in one day. And just taking those little miles steps and giving yourself, you know, for me, what really helps me manage my mental illness seriously, and this has work like so much, is really saying, okay, what do I want to accomplish this this week or today or in the next hour? And saying, wow, okay. Even if I just do half of the clothes today, you know, I'll just wash half of them, I've done something.

Lindsey: The clothes are not going anywhere girl. Those clothes will still be in that chair, in that basket, they ain't going to walk away and just saying it's okay. Yeah. Like, what standard are we living up to, girl? Who it's your house? You want to leave clothes, it's your house?

Faith: It's your house.

Lindsey: It's your house. Like, it's not anybody else's home. And so, yeah, like you said, just knowing that you don't have to do it all, and it's more important to take care of yourself. I am a living witness to, you will stress yourself out and you will get yourself sick. I was paralyzed for three months in 2018. I could not walk. I could not see out of my left eye. I could not use my hand. I went from walking, driving to work to by noon I couldn't walk. I was in an emergency room. I couldn't see.

Faith: Girl, what happened?

Lindsey: So, they don't really know, but I was at work and I started feel... well, I was already kind of feeling weird when I drove to work and I got to work and it started getting worse. And I was like, what is going on. At about 12 o'clock, I got to work at like eight, and by 12, I tapped on my coworker's cubicle. And I was like, "Wendy, can you come here?" She was like, yeah. I said, don't panic. I said, you promised me you're not going to panic. She said, uhuh. I said, so I can't feel the entire left side of my body. I was like, but don't panic. I was like, wait a minute, wait. She was like, what? I was like, "I just can't feel it. I can't walk, I can't get up, I can't see, but I don't want you to panic, okay." So she was like, okay. And then she like, right...

Faith: Oh my gosh. So, what happened?

Lindsey: Thank God I worked in a hospital, and so they were able to get me write up. And so first they said, oh, she has MS. You know, like she's African American, she's the perfect age, you know, all the symptoms. And so they said, well, we're going to do all the MRIs. And so they did it. They were like, well, it doesn't look like MS. Initially they said it was conversion disorder, which is a disorder, they said that people who have experienced a lot of trauma, it's kind of like your mind kind of disassociates, and it's pretty how the doctor explained me. She said, it's kind of like your mind says, I'm done. Like your mind is like, "I'm done. You have exhausted me. I am overwork. I've experienced too much, I'm just going to shut down." So, that was kind of how she explained it. And then just over the years of still happen to go to the doctor and get MRIs and CAT scans, they said they think I had a pin stroke, like a minor stroke. And I still have issues. I still have a lot of issues walking. If you saw me, you would be like, oh, I don't notice anything wrong, but physically - and so I have a lot of issues with like walking up steps and a lot of issues like walking out, carrying things. I don't write the same anymore, so a lot of things I don't do. And stress, I mean, it was about to... it kill you.

Faith: Man, listen, stress will kill you.

Lindsey: Queen, it will kill you. And I was thinking the other day, and I said, my therapist, I just had a session with her on Wednesday and she said, you are so consumed with getting validation from other people but you couldn't walk. Where were those people then? You want their validation and didn't even call you to see if you could walk. Why do you care what they think? Why? So I've been thinking about what she said, and I was like, she is absolutely right. So yeah, stress, that is no joke. Heart attack, strokes, I mean, all kind of stuff, things that trigger. Yeah, all of that, high blood pressure. And it's like, girl, for what? I mean, I worked at a bank and this guy had a heart attack. He was an employee. That's how stressed he was. He had a heart attack at work. I'm like, oh my gosh. So, it's real. It is a real, real thing. It is a real thing.

Faith: Before we go or we wrap; one of the things that you mentioned was that between the time that you came back from Florida back to Georgia, that basically it was like a year in which you didn't have medication. One of the things that is really important for me in sharing with the podcast, are like resources, right? So for folks who may not have like insurance, how does that work and you have a mental illness? Like, are you able to get support? How would you suggest someone go about getting the support that they need?

Lindsey: That is really one of the challenges that a lot of mental health advocates are trying to maneuver. I worked in a hospital. I was a debt recovery specialist and I went to the ER. So people who didn't have health insurance, I would go to them, see what kind of what their diagnosis was. And if it was something that they could get Medicaid for, or if it was something they could get disability, I would get those people's information and fill out their application for them, they would sign, you know, we would go through that whole process. So unfortunately, Medicaid takes forever. Unfortunately, disability takes even longer than forever. And you pretty much have to be on your death bed to get disability, so that unfortunately is a path. And then another path is people just go to the emergency room because most emergency rooms are going to take you depending on the hospital. And the only way they can get help is just going to the emergency room, which sucks because you're only going to get about 30 days of medication. It's not like they're going to give you a whole year worth of medication.

Some low cost places will kind of discount you, will like give you a payment plan. There are very, very few doctors’ offices that will give you a payment plan. Every time you come, you'll have to pay like 25, 50 bucks, and then you can get your medication. Unfortunately, if you don't have any form of money, you really don't have an option. Unfortunately, you just really don't have an option. If you don't have it, sometimes some people with insurance just don't have an option. Now we're starting to see a lot of therapists really say, "Okay, I'm going to create a curve. I'm going to create this. I'm going to do a grant. I'm going to raise money to get a scholarship. I'm going to kind of help folks out." But it is really challenging. And unfortunately, a lot of people go to prison because they can't get the help they need. And when you can't get the help you need it, sometimes, I mean, behaviors and symptoms cause you to kind of do things that you have a lack of control for, or it may be something you might steal grocery out of the store. You want to eat. I mean, that's just logic. People want to eat. And so, we have so many people in prison, in general, so many black folks, and then so many black folks who need mental health services. And so, it's just a hard thing and that's what a lot of advocates are trying to do.

A lot of therapists now are even like, hey, I'm starting a scholarship for my goal is a hundred thousand dollars. And I want to pay for people to come see me or people to go to other people so people can get help. But that's more so, for the therapist side and the psychiatrist side.

Faith: Not the necessary like medication treatment.

Lindsey: Yeah, if you need medication, it's like oh, what are you going to do? It's kind of like, uhoh. I know my psychiatrist has said, like, if I don't have insurance, that what she can do is, I can let her know like, okay, hey, I'm not have insurance pass next month, can you write me like a 90-day prescription? So I can, you know, if I get a job and have to wait 90-days I'm okay. Because the part that sucks for folks who take medication is once you don't have the money or you don't have insurance and you cold turkey, or you just stop taking it today, guess what happens? You going to send yourself into a really chronic depressive episode or a chronic hypomanic episode or a chronic, anything. And so, that's like always the tricky thing. I'm like, oh crap, I got to make sure I keep health insurance because in the event that I don't have medicine, I'm down the road, like I'm stuck. So like I said, that's just the unfortunate thing.

There are organizations that are trying to create some laws and put some laws in place and trying to figure out Medicaid. I do know that if you are a person that has gone to a mental health facility three times within 12 months, you qualify for Medicaid. A lot of people don't know that, but you have, have to have gone to a mental health facility. Some people don't go three times in a year. What, like, I haven't gone three times in a year. I'm not eligible. But for those folks who have gone consistently, they are eligible. They are eligible to get Medicaid. If they're in the facility for I think it's like more than 30-days; if you're in a facility more than 30-days, you qualify for Medicaid. So of course, if you are in a mental health facility longer than 30 days, you qualify for Medicaid because the hospital wants you to pay. They want their money, oh yeah.

Faith: Yeah, they want their money, for sure.

Lindsey: They love it. They were like, oh, we got to get this person on disability. They're, oh, we got to get our money. And they can retroactive it, right, so they can get their money. If you've been in there for six months, they going to be like, this person been here for six months, we need some pay.

Faith: Where are those coins?

Lindsey: Where are those coins? And so, they will push for this. I mean, the hospital will get lawyers. Oh, they will get everybody involved. If they're like, no, this person has been here in a mental facility for 30-days or 60-days; we need some medication. We need them to get up out of here. So yeah, they will try, but it's such a difficult thing and it sucks, and it really affects people of color. Honestly, it affects people of color really, really bad. And we get misdiagnosed so much. Most people get diagnosed with bipolar disorder and they don't even manage bipolar disorder. So many black folks, especially black men. Black men, they get misdiagnosed a lot, so it's typical. It is very challenging and it can be disheartening. And so I do understand and have a lot of compassion for people who like I give up, like, what am I going to do? I don't have any medication, so it's just like I have to solitude, I have to have poor coping mechanisms. I got to go home and say, "Ooh, girl, I need a drink to calm my nerves." You know what I'm saying? You know, or let me call this girl or this guy, so they can come over for a night cap because you're trying to get your mind off of everything. It's unfortunate. And I really hope that a lot of change makers, a lot of advocates, a lot of folks we can get together and really, really, really make a huge difference and just get some things changed. So important! So important!

Faith: It's so important. And you know the time that we're recording this is September, which is National Suicide Prevention, so it's really important. I actually had a friend of mine from high school who passed away this year from suicide. And so I think that it's something that we definitely want to talk a lot more about because it's real, you know, it's very real. People are hurting out there. And I think that it's important that we do have compassion for one another because we never know what the next person is going through. Is there any advice that you would give to someone, whether woman, man, you know, however they may identify; if they are in a relationship with someone who has a mental health disorder, do you have any suggestions for how they kind of manage or support them in that process?

Lindsey: That's a very, very good question. That is something that myself and other people who manage a mental health disorder kind of talk about and just our struggles with dating and having a spouse. And so, as somebody who did have my mental health kind of really affect my marriage and ultimately lead to our divorce, I want to say people need to have compassion, which I do still believe, you have to have compassion. I always tell people having a mental health disorder is not an excuse. It doesn't excuse like poor behavior. I understand why we may make some decisions. Like I get it, but the person that you're with does not have to bear the brunt of your inability to manage your... you know, because they have to set boundaries too. They have to set boundaries too.

They have to take care of their mental health and mental wellness. They got to go to work. They got to sleep. They got to eat like everybody else. And so, I think for the person on the outside... well, okay, I'll start with the person on the inside. I had a friend tell me, "you shouldn't be telling guys or anybody that you have a mental health disorder. Like, you got to wait until you find out they love and then you could tell them." And I said, well, what if they don't tell me they love me until like month eight? And what if between month, one and month eight, I have a hypomantic episode and I'm acting erratic, what am I going to say? What am I going to tell them? What is going to happen if I'm in a full-blown depressive episode and I have to go be hospitalized for two weeks? What am I going to say? I said, because that's not fair to them. And then they feel like, well, why wouldn't you tell me something like that so I could be there to support you? Or they may say, I don't want to be with you. Like, I didn't know you had that.

So, I think it is important to share if you feel comfortable. So the person that manages the mental health disorder, if you feel like I don't feel comfortable telling this person just yet, don't do it. Don't even do it. You just wait till you have a great comfort level, and then of course you let them know. But the person from the outside looking in, have grace for the person, but don't put yourself in a situation to where your mental health diminishes. Like yes, be supportive, set the boundary. Yes, be supportive, but don't take it on as this is something I have to fix. I need to fix her. I need to fix him. I need to fix them. Like, that's not the mentality you have. Yes, you should definitely educate yourself. Definitely! That is the key thing. There's so many myths and stigmas and watching stuff on TV and you think that's how it goes. Educate yourself.

If the person wants you to go to therapy, if they feel nervous, definitely go. Be supportive, definitely be supportive. Don't do the work because they still have to do work. You can go to therapy with them, that's all great and fine. But if they go to therapy and aren't learning anything from it, it doesn't really matter. So I think just being supportive, but really setting the boundary and reminding yourself you can't fix that person. And it's not your fault that they're behaving this way. It's not your fault that they feel this way. So you can have compassion, but it has to be like this fine line between like, okay, am I doing the most? Am I trying to heal? Am I trying to heal their healing, but they're not getting healing. I can't heal your stuff. I can't manage your stuff. That's something that you have to do. And so really finding that fine balance, of course the don'ts are, you don't make that person feel bad. Don't take advantage. And I know a lot of people who manage a mental health disorder and they say, "Oh, my girlfriend/boyfriend bathe them, you know, took advantage of it. They knew I had anxiety and they would gas like me, or they would not respond to my phone calls because they knew I would become really anxious. And so, you have people who do that.

Definitely don't do that. Don't take advantage of anybody. Don't low blow. Don't get in an argument and just, you're crazy,, because like that's uncalled for. If you feel the need to do that, you need to walk away and maybe you need to rethink about being in a relationship all together. Really! You might want to think about being single a bit. Yeah. It's like I said, important to support, set those boundaries and remember that you cannot fix anyone. And that's not your job. That is not your job. You cannot put that on yourself because what'll happen is, you'll grow resentful for that person. And then if something happens and you guys break up or the person harms themself, you'll feel guilty. So, if you find yourself beginning to get in that phase, it may be best for you to say, you know what? I don't think this will work. And in the event this person goes to the hospital, or this person unfortunately takes their life or they're so depressed or sad about breaking up and they harm themselves, you got to know it's not your fault. And that's difficult. People have survivors guilt, and that's a real thing. And so when you're in that type of situation, that is definitely difficult. Go get therapy. Even if you're dating somebody, go get therapy, period.

Faith: Say that one more time for the people in the back.

Lindsey: Go get therapy, period. I always do my rant about people think therapy is a reactive situation. A reactive service is proactive. And so even if you don't date anybody, go to therapy. But if you're dating someone, go to therapy and if you're dating someone who manages a mental health disorder, go to therapy, you going to need it. You're going to need it just like they're going need it. And that'll make everything cohesive. That'll make both parties, you know, you'll be able to kind of work together and work through things and communicate. That's the big one.

Faith: Yeah, you got to communicate across the board.

Lindsey: That's the big one.

Faith: For sure. For sure. So, listen, what are your favorite, like your mental health tools, resources or support groups for black and brown folks, what would you suggest?

Lindsey: Let's see. I love [unclear01:03:26]. She is the founder of the Press While Black. I love her. She's a strong mental health advocate. She is amazing. She has a ton of resources. She has a program where she helps find a therapist. She's these raising money for people to actually be able to pay for a therapist. And so those programs, the Loveland Foundation, Loveland is great. They donate money to folks who need mental health services. Therapy For Black Girls, of course, everybody knows Dr. Joyce. She is amazing. There's actually therapy for black men. They are doing well.

Faith: Yes, I've seen that.

Lindsey: They are amazing as well. Destressing Incorporated with Dr. Rashawn. He's amazing, him and three other therapists, they do monthly check-ins with men, their men followers and stuff. And it's called, Are You Good Bro?

Faith: I love it.

Lindsey: I love it. And I have sat in and listened and not said anything because it's not my space. So I've sat in and listened to the conversations because it's live on YouTube, and just the men who come on and they are powerful. The conversations are so powerful. And what I like is that even though a lot of women are listening, we allow them that space. This is their space. We don't need to talk. We don't need to jump in. This is your space. So, that's really good. Oh my gosh, there's so many people. Oh, I love Dr. Amber Thornton.

Faith: You're talking about Balance Work Mama?

Lindsey: Yes, Balance Work Mama.

Faith: She was on the podcast on season one.

Lindsey: I love Amber.

Faith: She's good people for sure.

Lindsey: She is the best. I'm like, it's so many people that I can name. Being - oh, I love Being. Oh my gosh, I love Beam.

Faith: I didn't realize that Being is like a relatively new organization.

Lindsey: Yes, yes.

Faith: I was like, oh, okay.

Lindsey: Being is the truth. I like the Okra Project. I don't know if you've ever heard of the Okra Project. They are for African-American folks or black folks who are trans, LGBTQ community. Amazing. It's amazing. I love everything they do. They're very transparent with their organization, very honest and open. And I just love like the passion that they have that drives them. But those are like the ones I can think off the top of my. Of course there's like a ton more, but those are the ones I know that are really doing great work. I know they are really, you know, hitting the pavement, creating valuable resources. Like, they are playing around. Like, they're like, no, we got to help our people. They are on it. They're like, we got to get some healing.

Faith: Got to get some healing for sure. Yes. That's awesome. So, what tools are you using in your toolkit right now for your wellness?

Lindsey: So my wellness toolkit, so I'm in school and I'm an overachiever and I'm also a person who likes to overwork themself to not think about all of the things I have going on in my life. So, what I'm doing now is setting a time for me to go to sleep like a child. In words of a psychiatrist I had before, she said, you have to baby yourself, and so some things you can't do that your friends do. You can't go out and binge drink and go club and drink and stay up all night and drink. Like, those are things you cannot do because then your medication's not working. It is pointless, so I try to make sure I'm asleep by about 10 o'clock during the week. Sometimes on the weekend, you know, I'll kind of stay up if I go out with a friend or something like that. Sleep is very important, so I really try to go to sleep on time.

There is a meditation app that I use, it's called Sleep Sounds. It used to be free, but I bought the subscription because the subscription is like $2 for an unlimited time, so I have it forever. It's like two bucks and I love it. You can make your own music. You can choose different sounds. They have like voice meditations. They have like yoga settings. It is a lot. They have like story books, and so I use it to like go to sleep. And when I tell you that thing works, oh my gosh. Like, if I turn it on at nights...

Faith: It's called Sleep what?

Lindsey: Sleep Sounds. It is amazing.

Faith: Wait, does it have an L on the front?

Lindsey: Yes.

Faith: So it's so funny. I used to use that app a long time ago and I had some playlists. Girl, listen, that's good.

Lindsey: Girl!

Faith: Yeah, that's some good sleep. The white noises and whatever you, you know, you can hear some owls in the background.

Lindsey: Girl, I think it's good. Absolutely. So I use that, and like I said, I try to set myself to go to bed. I try to make sure I eat breakfast every day. I notice when I don't eat, my anxiety, it intensifies because like I'm starving, I'm frustrated, you know, I get irritated, can't focus, and so I make sure I eat breakfast, you know, that's definitely a key thing for me. Let's say I haven't done any of those things and I'm just having a really rough day, very anxious or feeling myself like in a low mood; I really try to take it easy. I'm like, okay, you can't push yourself today. You can't try to do a hundred things today. Today you need to rest. If it's a day... I mean, if it's during the week I have class, and unfortunately I can't do that, when I come home, I might - no homework, no classwork, no tests, no reading, no nothing.

Like come home, chill out, decompress, rest, don't lay in the bed, like sit up, go outside on the porch, just doing things to not like seclude myself and kind of get that energy out. Like you always want to kind of move that energy out, and so those things like right now, currently, that I'm trying to do and just keeping in mind, like I can't overwork myself, you got to say no, I have a bad time not saying no, starts saying no. So, trying to incorporate that into my Rolodex of words to say and say, say no, but yeah, so those are just. And plants, I started collecting plants.

Faith: Are you with plant mama too?

Lindsey: Girl with COVID came, I was like, I want me a plant. And I was like, I'm going to kill it. So I got a plant, I was like, okay, I'm doing good. So I got another plant, I said, Ooh, that's cute. So I was like, Ooh. So now I'm in fat number 17. Every time I go, I'm like, Ooh, that's cute. Ooh, that's cute. So I'm

Faith: So you are a true plant mama for sure. For sure.

Lindsey: And I've lost a few. I've lost a few, but it's okay.

Faith: It's yeah, it's okay. Yeah, you're getting that green thumb now with the practice, for sure. So listen, for the folks who are interested in connecting with you, how can they do so?

Lindsey: You can find me on all social media. I'm on Facebook under Consciously Coping I'm on Instagram, Consciously Coping. I'm actually more active on Instagram, so you kind of want to see what I got going on. I'm in the stories, you know, I usually post things. I'm resharing stuff. So, Instagram is really good. I'm kind of active on YouTube. I have not done a video in a while, but YouTube is Consciously Coping as well. And then Twitter - I kind of hop in and I of Twitter. There's always a lot of stuff going on with mental health. A lot of mental health professionals and advocates are on Twitter, so I try to go on there just sometimes to kind of check it out, but it's Consciously Coping. So you can find consciously coping anywhere. You can definitely go to our website. It's consciouslycoping.com, and you'll find resources, you'll kind of find out what I do, what I share, what I'm trying to do, so that's how you're able to reach me. Look, shoot your shot in my DM. I'm open. You need to talk. You need to find a therapist, whatever you need to do, I got you. I'll find you somebody; I might can't help you, but I will find you somebody.

Faith: Awesome. Well, listen, Queen, it has been a pleasure speaking with you today. You drive some real gems and I'm just grateful for your willingness to share your story and for the Sista Circle community to feel your energy, so thank you, Queen.

Lindsey: Thank you so much. I enjoy. And I love your podcast, and thank you so much for even...