Life with an STD: Navigating Herpes Diagnosis, Dating, and Developing Inner Confidence w/Belize Spivey Artwork

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Life with an STD: Navigating Herpes Diagnosis, Dating, and Developing Inner Confidence w/Belize Spivey

December 03, 2021 • Faith S. Alaribe • Season 2 • Episode 17

EPISODE OVERVIEW: I sit down with my guest to talk about what it’s like living with an incurable STD, and how to thrive with it. While we don’t hear about STD’s as much anymore, just because we don’t hear about them, doesn’t mean that they’ve gone away or the numbers are improving. In fact, they’re increasing.

Syphilis, chlamydia and gonorrhea have surged for the fifth year, according to the newly released statistics on STDs from the CDC.

Also, according to the CDC, more than one in six people have genital herpes (caused by HSV-2). And per Johns Hopkins Medicine, between 50 to 80 percent of people have oral herpes (caused by HSV-1, which can lead to genital herpes through oral sex).

In this episode we talk about:

How Belize discovered she had herpes
What is herpes, and what are the symptoms associated with them
Ways to contract genital and oral herpes
Types of medications used to treat herpes
Triggers for outbreaks
How to regain your confidence after diagnosis
How to have the conversation about your status with prospective partner
Whether or not everyone has herpes
And, much more!

ABOUT THE GUEST: Today’s guest, STD life coach, Belize Spivey, has been living with herpes for more than 11 years, and shares her story of contracting herpes, what it taught her, and how to navigate the dating scene with herpes. Through her coaching business, support group of more than 1,700 women living and thriving with herpes, and her own products - Belize teaches individuals living with herpes how to navigate through their Herpes diagnosis, and to develop inner confidence after.

How you can connect with Belize:

RESOURCES MENTIONED:

Facebook Group
Herpes Could Never
HerpAlert
Essence Magazine Article: The Truth About Dating with Herpes

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EP.17 | Life with an STD: Navigating Herpes Diagnosis, Dating, and Developing Inner Confidence w/Belize Spivey

Intro: Hey queen, I'm Faith Alaribe, the founder and host of the Sista Circle Podcast. Around here we have honest and real conversations about our health, mental health and wellness, topics that deeply impact our lives as women of color. And all with the mission to provide the information, tools and resources to fill up our wellness toolkits, make informed decisions and to allow us to thrive in every area of our lives. So, get ready to be enlightened informed and inspired. Go ahead and get comfortable queen consider this your official welcome to the Sista Circle.

Faith: Hey you all, so in today's episode, we're touching on a topic that I feel that we certainly don't talk enough about anymore and that's STDs or now STIs. And back in the day, I felt like every, where I turned there was marketing around STDs, safe sex, condoms, this and that, and now it is radio silent. But just because we don't hear about it as much, doesn't mean that it's gone away or that the numbers are improving. In fact, they're increasing syphilis, chlamydia and gonorrhea have surged for the fifth year, according to newly released statistics on STDs from the CDC, and what about as it relates to herpes. According to the CDC, more than one in six people have genital herpes, which is caused by herpes simplex virus-2, and per John Hopkins medicine between 50 to 80% of people has oral herpes, which is caused by herpes simplex virus type-1, which can lead to genital herpes through oral sex.

Nevertheless, several months ago, I ran across this article in Essence Magazine about the truth about dating with herpes; a women's tell-all. And essentially it chronicled the stories of four women who talked about what it was like dating with herpes. I actually discovered today's guest, Belize Spivey from reading the article. So in it, she stated that learning to live with herpes, forced her to do a lot of self-reflection when it came to her dating habits. She discovered that she had an unhealthy relationship with sex and was using it to cope with low self-esteem and to feel better about herself and contracting herpes made her reevaluate her reasons for sexual activity and do the inner work necessary to move forward. And once she was able to do that, she learned that there was, in fact, life after herpes. I think that it's particularly important to bring awareness to this topic because there's a lot of shame when it comes to STDs. And I can only imagine what it's like dating, or even as someone who may be returning to the dating scene, maybe after a long-term relationship or even marriage, and how that might feel. Nevertheless, today's episode is going to leave you aware, educated, and even doubling over with laughter. I'm so grateful for Belize Spivey, AKA the STD coach for sharing her story as well as some awesome tips and resources for women living with herpes and even those who aren't. So let's go ahead and get into it.

All right, I got my new home girl Belize Spivey with me today, you all. She's going to be sharing her incredible story and then talking about the incredible work that she does. So listen, I don't want to, you know, spill all the beans in the beginning. Belize, tell us who you are, what you do?

Belize: All right. So, I am Belize Spivey, I am known as the STD life coach. Yes, STI. Yes, that's what I said. I'm not just... you're not just hearing it right. You can hear it clear. Yes, that's what I do. I have never heard of it before because you have not met me. It's just that simple, you just haven't met me, and today you will. So, I do this because I found out I had herpes. That's who I help. I don't help, you know, I talk to other people, especially about HIV and things like that, but I am a strong believer, the people who make the most impact is somebody who got it. It's great, I love my sexual educators, my OBGYNs. I love them all, we need them all. But I'm telling you, they don't have the effect that a person who has it has to do, they don't even understand all of it because they don't have it. So I said, you know what, I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this, but I'm going to explain to you all why. So, I was in college. I went to Auburn University, I transferred into Auburn. That was my dream school, but I couldn't walk through the front doors. So I had to come through the back. Listen, that's how you get into your dream schools. You transfer in, do good the first year, and then you transfer in, you all. Tell the babies that they don't have to [unclear 04:44].

Faith: That's a good tactic, for real.

Belize: Yes. Go to community college for free and then turn around and go through the back though, because they are going to let in. So that's what I did. I went to Tuskegee, University of Tuskegee. I was so excited, I went to a historically black school, one of them, one of the ones that, if you think about herpes, you think of something like, you think of the simplest, in a sense like that happened and I was able to experience like all the history. So, I went there to transfer to Auburn. While I was there, my second semester, I met a guy, what we do in college, if you ever been to college or even high school, you meet somebody. So we hit it off and we had a good time and we decided to hang out one night. So, okay, didn't talk to you long enough to see if we can, you know, get to know each other, both a little intoxicated.

That's what you do in college. If you think you're not doing that, you're lying to yourself, okay. They are turning up, okay, all the way up. That's to be a freshman. I mean, to turn-up is all the way real. So literally we had a night, we ended up having sex. We both performed oral sex. As we know, most of us don't consider using protection. I'm going to give you the information in the middle of this, so just follow me. If you use protection, you have flavor condoms or you can use a dental dam. Most people don't even know what a dental dam is. It's like a little thin cloth that you put over the woman's genitals and you can still feel it. It still feels like you are licking on them. Those are not easy to find.

You typically have to get them from your health department, which, I don't even know if you can find them. I just went to a health department, but it wasn't there. But the health department or order them on Amazon, or you can go to a sex store. So as we know, we typically don't use them. So then we didn't do that, but we used the condom. I'm like, I'm good, and he’s good. You know, I'm thinking we are not going to have, nobody's, I'm going to say this, nobody's going to have sex if they have symptoms. I'm going to say, knowing the symptoms. Most people can deal with an itch or burn, but it's temporary. It has to be something that really likes, oh, my God, is something wrong. So I don't want anybody to believe that a person would know if they have herpes or any other STI, because sometimes it's so mild that they just brushed it off.

Even OBGYN will brush stuff under the rug, because it's like, oh, you have to use some [unclear 06:51], oh, you have bacteria [unclear 06:53], oh, it's nothing. You have to be careful. They just brush it off. So I want to say that because so many people believed that you would know. Nothing was happening to him. Had sex, got up the next morning, I started to be in pain. So I was like, I'm in so much pain, I guess it's just because he's a little bit bigger than my last partner. That's what most women think, you know, or maybe the position or just friction, you know, that tends to happen with condoms. Make sure you are using lube and things like that. So I got up, I started on my day and I went home and I mean, that pain was starting to increase as I walked.

Faith: So when you say like pain, was it burning or was it just feeling like you said, it was just like you were getting it too rough?

Belize: That's how I felt. I mean, you can get that little tear at the bottom sometimes or you can feel irritation. Sometimes you can feel a little itchy just because your body chemistry didn't match. So, first, it just felt uncomfortable like, oh, okay, you know, just friction. I was like, I haven't felt this before, and I’m not tripping. But as I continued to walk, I was like, no, bro, I am like, the pain is increasing. I was pulsating at this point, I'm looking like I'm hurting real bad.

Faith: So what'd you do after that?

Belize: So I got home and did what my mama always tells you, look at your vagina. Like, look at my vagina. I took the mirror to [unclear 08:13] my mama made sure I took a little hand mirror with me. She said, always look at it, baby, make sure you know what it looked like, right. But she didn't say it in that tone, almost funny, but she said that right. So I looked and I had blisters on my vagina.

Faith: Almost like overnight?

Belize: That's the thing. It wasn't even overnight and I'll go into that more. But that's what I experienced. I like to tell my story because people don't think, stuff, it seems like it pops up overnight, but we know how STIs work, nothing is overnight. Nothing happens, I don't care, even with bacteria, it has a lingering time. You know, it has a cycle time and a lot of people think, you know, even with a virus, we know, with Covid now, 2 to 14 days, everything takes at least 2 to 14 days for it to show up. It may, or it may not or if it does, it may be major or it may be just real mild that you brush off. But that was my experience. We had sex that night, literally, I woke up that morning. I had blisters all over my vagina. Now, as I said, I had nothing prior to having sex with him, nothing at all.

Faith: So what did you do? So you looked down there. You're like what the...?

Belize: I bust out in tears, this is herpes. I don't even know what herpes was, but I just knew that's what it was. One thing I would tell you, anybody who's watching this, your gut doesn't lie. It tells you stuff that you don't even know. I can speak on that. I know people who I know had cancer, they know it was cancer, they didn't know what type, but they knew. Like the spirit always warns you prior. It's never going to let you do anything unaware of anything. It all wants to prep your mind for what... if you ignore it, that's your fault. But it's always going to tell you. So it told me it's herpes. I'm like, no, it's not. No, you're lying, you're just trying to freak me out. The enemy is after me, everybody was like the enemy is not after me, okay. You're always trying to put it on the devil.

The devil is not your friend, he's going to you crap. So the first thing I had to do, I had to calm down because I was freaking out. I ended up calling a close friend at the time, she and I were best friends, and she and I were roommates prior to that. She had just had HIV and she was only 18. So she was [unclear 10:15] right. So I called the only person I knew who would understand because when she found her diagnosis, I was right there. Literally, we went to get tested together and she found out, I saw her literally get so sick. I thought she had the flu. I watched it all. And I watched her as she went through the process, she was so depressed. It was so bad, but I watched the whole thing while I was in her [unclear 10:37]. So I called one person I know who, if I supported her, she was going to support me back.

So she went to nursing school. She decided to become a nurse after that. And she's like, well, Belize, we just talked about it in class. And based on what you're telling me, it sounds like you have herpes. She said, go ahead and go to the OBGYN so you can get some medicine and you know, get yourself confirmed. I was like, no, no. She was like, you watched me go through this. It's not easy, but you're going to be okay. She said, call me; she said if you need me to talk to you the whole time you're there then call me back, and I will like literally be on the phone with you, all the way through, which she did. She kept her word. Even from the time, they told me and after. Because I did the same thing. I saw her walk out the room like I remember she went in and they were like, oh, we need to talk to her. So I didn't think of it. And she came out of the building and her face was blank. And I was like, what's wrong? And she was like, she couldn't talk, she was just stunned.

Faith: At 18?

Belize: At 18 - first time away from home, for real, like in another state. Thank God I was with her, you know what I mean? I'm happy we went to college together because she wanted to go to Georgia State and I wanted to go to Auburn really but we ended up still going to our dream schools because we both transferred out. God had a reason. He's like, “I need you all together in the season because she needs somebody who gets her.” We have been friends since elementary school. So it's like, it was best to be with somebody who wasn't going to judge her for it. And it's funny because she had been doing HIV advocacy since she was a child. She was set up, you hear me? She's still doing it to this day. She was set up. I want to say this and this is a side note. Don't think that your struggles are not a setup.

Faith: Say that one more time, Belize?

Belize: Don't think your struggles are not a setup. Whatever you experienced as far as if it was molestation if you were in sex trafficking if you were in an abusive relationship, everything's a setup and you were like, you're telling me that he allowed it to happen. Do you want me to tell you the truth or lie to you? Because he knew you could come out of it. Now some stuff, you could have prevented, but every time God gets the ability to use you to help somebody.

Faith: Right on and I hope and I pray that God will be able to use you today. So Belize, you call your home girl, she tells you to go to the OB gynae, and then what happens?

Belize: So before I went, I ended up reaching out to him. So I texted him and I was like, hey, when was the last time you got tested? Ladies don't ever do this, don't have sex with somebody and then ask the questions later, you backward, okay. So he freaked out like, I've been tested recently, which we know is God's lie, nothing's recent with me, never. He said 30 minutes, which means an hour. Say 30 minutes to three days behind. But anyway, I was like, okay. I was like, well I'm having blisters. I said I'm not blaming you because my whole thing, I never blamed anybody because you don't know if it was you. Don't ever go assuming because you don't know. So I was like, I'm not blaming you, I'm just telling you this, that's what I'm saying. He was so cool. He was like, it's all right, are you okay? I said, “No, I'm in a lot of pain.” He was like, it's all right, I'm here for you. I'm in class right now but let me know. It's crazy, who is about to go to class? Well, I get on to the transit and he gets on the same transit.

So he's sitting in front, I'm sitting in the back. We're just like, I wouldn't expect him to see me. I like bro, I'm not even emotionally stable. And when he walked off he was like, just let me know. And I was like, okay. But he kept checking on me. I went to the OBGYN. I went in there. I could not see the OBGYN right away because the doctor was not there. So I had to go through a whole weekend. And now I'll tell you this one thing because something happened so she couldn't be there. Always, if something happens and you have major symptoms, tell your nurse what's happening and they will do it. Somebody in there will do it. But sometimes it's just, I was so scared to say what I was experiencing. They were like, well, you know, Miss Spivey, what are you experiencing?

I was like, well I have a little pain. I made it seem like it was nothing. So they were like, well, okay, well we'll see you on Monday. I wish I would've just broken down in tears and like, oh God because they would have dealt with me right away. But I was just so ashamed to say anything. So I had to go through a whole weekend, got to Monday when I say those were the worst three days of my life, I don't even have [unclear 14:54] but if I had one, I swear to God, I wouldn't put it on. I'm like [unclear 14:59] they put you through that because it's just, it was just that painful. And I will tell you, not everybody who operates is not like that, so I don't even want that to be a, it's not a scare tactic. It's just my experience because I have [unclear 15:08] get hurt, don't hurt at all. It's just like, it's just there. It's just, I know it's there, so it's irritating. So I got through the weekend, went, got tested. It was a bad experience because the white lady was mean to me. I think she was having a bad day.

Faith: She was mean to you, what do you mean?

Belize: Now that I'm older and I'm an adult, sometimes as adults, we don't leave our stuff at the door. Do you know what I mean? It could have been something personal going on with her and she literally just didn't have time for any of my tears. Like she didn't have any time for any sympathy because she didn't have any. So she looked and she said Miss Spivey, take your clothes off, I will be right back. So I took my clothes off. I was on the phone with a friend, I took my clothes off, the lady came into the room; she said, okay, sit on the thing and you know, open your legs. And I was like, and she was like, yeah, that looks like herpes. And I'm crying. She's like, well I'm going to have to take a culture. That is the devil, you hear me?

Faith: So when she took a culture, what did she do?

Belize: She takes a...

Faith: What is it, like that Q-tip-looking thing?

Belize: That thing hurts. Even when they do your pap smear, you can feel it. You're like, that thing hurts, but she had to break the skin because it had started to heal. So she literally had to open it back up. I was screaming. I will tell you if you have any symptoms for anything, anything go right away because it's the best time because then when it starts to heal, they have to reopen in the wound and you don't want to have them reopen your wound because it takes it longer to heal. So she's like, let me go and look under that microscope and I'll tell you [unclear 16:42] but looking at it for sure, I believe that's what it was. Get back on the phone, she said put your clothes on, go to the other room. I go to the other room, and she comes in there with a pamphlet. Miss Spivey, you have herpes, it's not that big of a deal, everybody has it, you'll be okay. Do you want to talk to the OBGYN? I said, yes. She's like, well, I'll schedule for you to come to talk to her later this week. I said, okay.

Faith: Wait, wait, wait. So you said, she said that everybody has it?

Belize: Yep. She's like everybody has it, it is no big deal.

Faith: Oh, okay. You have to expand on that a little bit. What do you mean everybody has it, is that factual?

Belize: 80% of people have herpes simplex virus. I like to say herpes simplex virus because many people think about chickenpox and also shingles. It's also another form of herpes or smallpox. It all kind of goes under the same umbrella. So a lot of people like to say everybody got it because at the end of the day, everybody has some form of the virus herpes, not herpes simplex, Herpes Simplex virus is the only virus that affects the genitals, though.

Faith: Okay. So let's finish your story, and then I want you to talk a little bit more about what exactly herpes is. So she says that you can talk to the doctor in a couple of days. So you go back in, in a couple of days, what happens?

Belize: I go in a couple of days, a little white lady comes in there, just so jolly. I'm looking at all the stuff because I swear, I feel like she sat me in the middle of the room. She didn't sit me at a desk, she sat me in the middle of the room with two chairs, her here and me here. We were in a smack bab, in the middle of the room. It felt so awkward. So I'm sitting there and she's like, she'll be right in. So the little white came in, just as cute as she can be. Hey, Miss Spivey, how are you?

I know this is hard, I know you're having a hard time, but so many people have it, you're not by yourself. You can get through this. I want to make sure I give you a prescription for antivirals, which is Valtrex or acyclovir. I think they gave me Valtrex, which I tell anybody, just keep Valtrex because acyclovir is trash. It doesn't work, it works too slowly. So she was like, do you have a question? And I'm like, I couldn't think. And she was like, well, if you need anything, I'm here for you, you're going to be okay. And I looked at her like, you're white, I'm black, I'm at a white school, did you not realize that it's not many of us here?

I'm in a culture shock right now. I have never had a white doctor up to that point, for real, like my mom made sure I went to a black OBGYN, dentist, all of it was black. I went to a black school. Like I didn't know anything. The only thing closer to white was my Asian. And I believe they were black too, they were right there in the cup. So with that being said, I didn't know white. I had white teachers, other than that middle school. I mean, we had middle school and high school. But outside of that, no, not treating me. I never experienced it. It was like...

Faith: So it was uncomfortable?

Belize: Uncomfortable, I was already in a culture shock because I was like, I don't know anybody here, everybody's white that I'm walking around. I don't know how they talk. I don't know how they move. This is weird.

Faith: Got you. So you met with her, you're feeling uncomfortable and so you leave there and then what?

Belize: I leave there, she gave me a prescription. Well, I ran out there and forgot the prescription. So I went downstairs and had to go back upstairs to get the prescription. Get the prescription, I felt nervous because you know, when you go to college, everywhere, every area a student works because they're getting trained, especially in a pharmacy and it's not like a clinic, they didn't have children at all in the clinic, but in the pharmacy or in the front office or whatever it's because they're getting training, they're nursing assistants or nurses or want to be doctors, it's best to be in the field. So I was feeling some type of way. I was like, ugh! I don't know it but I don't want them seeing my medicine. Now, they didn't judge me, they were like, here you go, you haven't... It was like, do you have any questions? Are you okay? You know, things like that. So the respect was there but still, I was like, give me that damn medicine so I can go because I can't swallow pills. At this point in my life, I could not swallow a pill.

Faith: Was it a big pill or was it small?

Belize: It's a horse pill girl, that thing is huge. It doesn't change overtime. It's still big, but it's not as big as it used to be. That sucker used to be, you know, like our multi vitamin pill back in the day, it was like that. And it's like, you can't even get it down. It was just a horrible experience. So I ended up getting the medicine. Thank God, my mom had good insurance. So I ended up getting the medicine. And I went home and I just laid in bed. I told him and he was like, well, I'm going to make sure I get tested and things like that. I'll let you know. And he checked in with me like, are you okay? I was like, no, I'm not good. Oh, I'm here, you know? So he didn't neglect me. You know, I didn't experience that. He didn't neglect me. He didn't push me to the side. I just kind of just stopped talking to him, truthfully. I was like, I don't have anything to talk about, bro. Like, I'm good. I'm so good over here. I just don't deal with people. I don't want to deal with people.

Faith: So tell me this and you don't have to answer the question. So the night you guys had sex, right? Did you see his penis?

Belize: I didn't, but the funny part about it, I like that you say that because at the end of the day, his penis was covered with a condom. But as we know herpes, it's passed through skin-to-skin contact, so I could have gotten it if it was in his pubic because most of the men I talked to, it would be in their pubic hairs. Ladies, are you seeking pubic hair? No.

Faith: Wait, what do you mean?

Belize: Herpes can be in your pubic area, under your pubic hairs. It can be right there and you don't know it.

Faith: Oh, so you... okay. So say, for example, I guess the shaft of the penis, right? So even if you don't see it on the shaft, it can still be in that pubic hair area and so when you guys are having sex, even with the condom it's still touching?

Belize: It's still touching. So that's why I want people to realize that condoms are vital, don't stop using condoms. Please use them, but remember between herpes, syphilis, HPV, you can still get it because it's contact. So, you know, as much as we have been learning, especially, I love my sexual educators, but they're really, really not doing us a service because they're not explaining all the ways to still get it. Because if you tell me if I use a condom, I'm good and then I go to the doctor and I get something. Now I'm pissed at you because I trusted you to tell me all the information and you fail to tell me that. Because I'm thinking, we're good with protection, we're good. I do not have anything to worry about; and I'm like, I don't see anything on his mouth or I don't think he has none in his mouth, so I'm good. Herpes, as we know, cold sores and fever blisters are herpes. So many people don't want to hear that because like, I got it as a child. I said that's okay, baby, your mama kissed you or you drank after your cousin. It was contagious, you didn't know. I want to say this herpes is not a real issue. Herpes is not an issue. Herpes is just herpes because it's pass-through skin to skin. The only reason why to consider it like that is because it's genital, that's it.

Faith: Tell me a little bit, so give me an overview. Like what exactly is herpes, right? Are there different types and kinds of breaking that down for me?

Belize: Okay. So herpes simplex virus is chickenpox that affects your vagina and your penis. Like literally, that's the simplest terms because I'm not going to get scientific. I don't like doing that to people. We get enough happening to us with Covid, you know, I don't know what you're talking about, but it's really just something. If you understand chickenpox, you understand herpes the same way that you can have chickenpox and pass it and you don't know, it is the same way that herpes, they function just the same.

Faith: Interesting. So, it's funny that you say that. Maybe about two weeks ago, one of my best friends... so her son is like nine now, right? And she was like, girl, I'm wondering, when is he going to get the chickenpox? Because you know, back in the day, you know, one person gets the chicken box and then everybody, the cousins and everybody like, you all just need to get it at the same time, right, and get it over with.

Belize: On purpose.

Faith: Yep. And so her mom was like, she was like, what do you mean girl? She was like, kids don't get chickenpox anymore because there's a vaccine for it. So interesting but the same form, right, because chickenpox can lay dormant in your system.

Belize: Yes, and it comes back as shingles.

Faith: Correct. So it's like chickenpox and so you can pass it without knowing. And in terms of the different types, right. So you can get it in your genitals and you can also have it in your mouth, right?

Belize: You can have it everywhere, you can have herpes anywhere. It's just like chickenpox. It's just the only reason for herpes... Herpes simplex virus is just really saying that it's only for the genitals. When we really start looking at science and how they do things, they like to classify things, based on where it affects things. And shingles are more a skin condition. [Unclear 26:09]. It doesn't affect genitals. So herpes simplex virus affects the genitals.

Faith: Got you. So how can you tell if, say, for example, somebody's about to have sex, they pull out their penis and, or, you know, they open up, they see their vagina, right, and does it look like an ingrown hair, you know how you can get a bump or something or does it look different? I'm just wondering, how can you tell the difference?

Belize: You can't, everybody looks different. That's a game-changer. See, this is the thing about herpes. Herpes is not something that's classified as understanding or understandable. Because, if you think about bacteria or even let's use HIV because I know that's your field. HIV, you all know it as a T because you are all able to say, okay, looking at your numbers, this is the type of symptoms, things like, even though the symptoms can change person to person, you know how the medicine can affect the person. It may change a little bit, but everything is pretty much... Herpes is not like that. And since it's not like that, it's a learning curve. So for me, I had blisters, okay. The first outbreak I had multiple blisters, my next outbreak, it was only one or two. Now, I've had it for so long, I only get one.

Faith: And so with that, how often do people usually get outbreaks?

Belize: It depends on the person. Today you all don't understand. It all depends upon you. It's all how your body responds. Because of my body, I can only speak for myself. I get at least four a year. Now last year with Covid, I had them back to back because I was just so stressed trying to figure it out, it was just so much stress and I'll explain the symptoms in a minute. I mean the triggers in a minute. But I was so stressed. I had more than normal and I was pissed. I was like, this is bull crap but I understand why, because I'm like, my kids are going back to school, Covid is kicking up too high. Literally, I had Covid before Covid came. So I was like, damn, we going to just swop me and my mama live and my son had it. We didn't know what it was, and literally that January I had Covid, I was in bed for two weeks. I couldn't breathe, two weeks before that [unclear 28:21], two weeks before that my son had it. My oldest son never got it.

Faith: Girl, get out of here.

Belize: He didn't get it either and he slept in the bed with me, like after a while. You know your grandma says, take all the sheets off and spray stuff down. That worked because he could have gotten Covid because he laid in the bed, rubbing on me and everything and helping me. He didn't get it because I made sure everything sprayed down. So you'll be surprised what happens where, if you're in a relationship, one person's having another, keep everything sprayed. You have to have somebody take care of you, regardless. So I was stressed. So some people can have multiples or some people can have one out of a year, some people will never have an outbreak. I like to say that because sometimes you'll go and find out your diagnosis, you'll go get tested and your doctor may test you for it. Now I'll tell you this, herpes is not included in the STD panel because they like to test you based on culture.

They don't like to test you based on blood because blood tests are going based on antibodies. Every other STI, you can pick up a DNA, or for you guys, you can pick up, you know the T-cell, you can pick up something that's more solid antibodies are not solid. They do this because it isn't anything but your body letting you know, you're fighting something. So one minute is high and another minute it's low. Same with Covid. We're getting this but one it's high and one minute it's low. Some people look like they got Covid forever, but it's like your body's just still trying to fight it. So it's producing antibodies. You are negative, but your body is still saying it's still present.

Faith: Got it. Okay. So tell me this, you can't tell if it's on the genitals or the difference between let's say ingrown hair, hair bump versus herpes, right. But what about things like oral herpes? So, aside from a traditional cold sore on your lip, does it look different?

Belize: It can look like that. What you see on their lip, that's herpes.

Faith: So tell me this. So say someone has a cold sore, and they give you fellatio or whatever. So can you then catch herpes in your genital?

Belize: That's how the majority of people have it.

Faith: Wait, say that one more time?

Belize: That's the reason why the majority of people have herpes because we do not use any protection for oral at all. Most people who have cold sores and I know, Faith, when this goes live and everybody's talking, they're like, I get it and you're going to hear this argument. I had it all my life, Uhuh, It ain't herpes. Yes, it is. You just didn't know. And I try to have a lot of sympathy for people like that because they didn't make it known. Number one, they don't want to make it known because you're going, do you want to tell a four-year-old that they have herpes? That means you are going to start thinking somebody will touch your kids. That scares a parent to think somebody molested their child. No, your child has it because you kissed them and you didn't know it was contagious or the kid shared toys and stuff with other kids and they didn't know what it was. Because you know, sometimes, it can be here, it can be at the point of your mouth, it can be at the bottom of your mouth. Some people, it gets on their face. Like you see some kids, you like, why do they look like they got blemishes? Sometimes that's just herpes outbreaks. It just spreads because they are touching their face. Their parents didn't realize what it was. You got some people that get it on their nose. It can be in different places.

Faith: Can it be like on the inside of your mouth?

Belize: Yes. It can be inside of your mouth, which is kind of hard to determine because you'll think it's a canker sore and canker sores are not herpes. A canker sore is bacterial. That's why they say stop putting stuff in your mouth. Stop putting your hands in your mouth. But it can be inside the mouth. And like I said, if you have something in your mouth, the first thing you think, it's painful. You're going to think it's a canker sore but a canker sore has this white ring around it. So it's a little bit different. It's like, it's real reddish, even on our skin, I had one right here, but I kept putting crap in my mouth. It was right here and it was a little reddish and it's a circle and it's white around it. And that sucker hurt like crazy.

Faith: Yes, a canker sore definitely can hurt. So tell me this. So what are some of the signs of the outbreak?

Belize: Okay. So the size of the outbreak, itching. I mean intense itching. Same for ladies, we know what a yeast infection or a bacterial vaginosis feels like. It feels just like that. You can have a discharge. Everybody doesn't have a discharge, but you can have a discharge, but it doesn't smell like a yeast infection, which is fishy. And it doesn't smell like bacterial vaginosis, which stinks. It doesn't smell like that. It just feels like this is something wrong. I'll let you know like sometimes a yeast infection and bacterial vaginosis can cover up your outburst. So if you're consistently trying to get rid of it, and it's not going away, you need to test yourself for herpes because you can have herpes inside of your vagina. You can have it on the cervix and you don't know it. So a lot of people have an internal and not external, they don't realize it.

So they're getting all this discharge because your body is trying to fight it off and so you're getting this discharge. So if you go to the OBGYN and they'll tell you don't get discharged, yet you will if you have anything on inside of your vagina. Yes, you will. Your vagina is a cleaner. She's going to try to clean herself out. That's why I say it has this weird smell. It's just like, what is that? You can't really explain. You're like, Hmm. Anybody who has yeast infection or bacteria, you know the difference, you know the smells and you know what it looks like. One is cottage cheese and one is like a grayish type color.

Faith: If you were to have herpes in your cervix or whatever, are they able to see it then?

Belize: We don't even know what our vagina looks like even when we had kids because we never went down there looking other than somebody recorded it or you looked at somebody else [unclear 34:13] part. That sucker gets big and you can see everything. So yeah, when they pull open, they can see if you have like, oh yeah, we can see lesions. They'll tell you, oh, I can see lesions on your cervix. So there is like a cotton swab of it. Kind of go back a little bit. So it'll be itching, discharge. It could be pulsating. Like sometimes you could feel these sharp pains in your vagina area or penis or in your anus, you can have herpes in your anus too. So don't think it can't or your thighs. You can also have headaches especially if you have oral so you can have headaches, you can have a sore throat.

Sometimes you get a fever. Literally, I felt like I had the flu because you have to remember a virus typically shoots you down. So sometimes you'll think you're just sick and you're not. So you can feel like you have the flu. Sometimes you get aching in your legs or you know, like when you jump down, you can feel that tingling your toes and your feet. You know that as well because the virus is in the nerve ending. It's not in the skin, it's in the nerves. So it is attached to the nerves and it hides in the nerve ending. That's why herpes is really complicated because it can hide in the nerves. You, you don't want to damage the nerve. And the only thing that triggers it is if it is something pertaining to the nerve. So going into your triggers, your triggers are the number one, stress.

Remember stress is not just mental. We need to especially love ourselves. People who have any melanin in their skin. Stress is not mental first. It happens in the body first. Okay? Your mind comes after you realize, oh no, you are tripping because your body is trying to fight whatever's going on. So if you're not getting sleep, you're working a bunch of hours, going to school, taking care of a bunch of kids, got a man. You are not getting enough sleep, you're not eating properly. And when I say properly, you're just not having enough fruits and vegetables in your diet. Nobody tells you, you can't eat, but you need more of that than you have anything. That other stuff doesn't give you any nutrients.

You need fruits and vegetables in your diet, green vegetables to be very particular. You're dehydrated. I love us, us, and melanin, we don't like water for some odd reason. I don't know why we have a struggle with water. But if you're dehydrating your body's stress, nothing can get where it needs to go because it flows through the water. We're 80% water. Is it 80 percent? I think we're 80%. So it's 70 or 80% water. Without water, your body can't flow. So you need to make sure you're drinking. Then you deal with mental health if you have any mental disorders. Depression is a mental disorder. Anxiety is a mental disorder. A panic attack is a mental disorder. Suicidal thoughts, all of that stuff. If you are diagnosed with clinical depression or schizophrenia, schizophrenia or alcoholism, all of that stuff, it can affect you. And it can cause you to have an outbreak because your body is trying to fix you. So now it's trying to fix you, it's on the end of the [unclear 37:02].

You're like bro, like, hold on now, I'm good. Like, leave it alone. So now you wake it up and it busts out your skin because you're irritated. So stress is number one. All right. Number two is friction. That's messing with your nerves. I do this long enough. I'm warming up my nerves like Phil, you're getting warmer. So don't mess with the nerves. The nerves have to respond when something's happened. So friction can be one. So that could be just rubbing on clothes or even with condoms or just having sex. That's why I tell anybody to use lube, every lube is not created equal. So make sure you find a black company, please, especially for us, because our vaginas are so freaking sensitive. You know how to even find somebody that's vegan, you know? Because some of that stuff that's in it, it just, our bodies just don't, that stuff doesn't work for us all, it just doesn't.

Faith: Throw off your pH balance and all kinds of stuff.

Belize: Quickly, you mess around you got bacterial vaginosis quickly. So it makes you use the lube so friction can be one, menstrual cycle. PCOS, anything dealing with your hormones, ladies. It can cause you to have an outbreak because of hormones...

Faith: Wait a minute. So hormones can affect you like they can increase or impact your symptoms?

Belize: Because you have an outbreak because your body's unbalanced at that time. So you can have outbreaks. Because I know some ladies who have an outbreak around their menstrual all the time, because they're unstable, their body is just like, Ugh. Like I can't fight because I'm focused on one thing. So something else could come up. Like I know she's not balanced. So I'm trying to make sure her menstrual stays good. And you know, she's not freaking out over here and then herpes can show up. It doesn't happen for everybody. I can say my menstrual never affected me. That's not even my trigger. Lack of sleep, stress and friction are my triggers.

Faith: So tell me this. So for example, like when women are either pregnant or postpartum and you know how there's like a huge influx of hormones, right? Are those times in which you might see an increase or an influx of symptoms?

Belize: Yes. You can have more outbreaks around that time. So these are things that we need to know because every mom deals with postpartum. It may not be as bad as others, but every mother experiences it. I think that's something we need to get comfortable with saying, every mother deals with postpartum. Some come out of it faster than others. Many women had postpartum. I learned with my close friend that you could have postpartum in your pregnancy.

Faith: Oh yeah or you can just experience depression while pregnant. And that actually is more common than people know.

Belize: Don't talk about it. It's like, oh the baby's coming. Like I hate this kid and I hate myself, you know? Like really? So yes, you can. Like I like to tell ladies who have PCOS, fibroids.

Faith: Just hormonal imbalances.

Belize: All of that. I say those because I know that affects African-American women the majority of the time. Ladies change your diet. You can have children, change, don't eat what they tell you to eat. You need to go plant-based. That's the secret that nobody is going to tell you. Change your diet, I swear. If you want to go juicing or you want to do smoothies, but I'm telling you, I mean you need to overdose on green vegetables; your body will allow it, I know somebody who has PCOS. She had two kids. They literally tried. They took a part of her uterus, they had two of them out there.

Faith: Well, you know, that's the thing. I think that a lot of times people don't realize, but the connection of like, just making sure, like you have your nutrients, right. Just your base nutrients. And so it's a lot of things that you can literally reverse based on your diet and nutrition and making sure you're getting your micronutrients and all that kind of stuff. So you're spot on with that. So tell me this, as far as an outbreak is concerned, so you talked about some of the triggers, right? So how long does an outbreak usually last?

Belize: It depends on how quickly you can catch it. So I'm going to use another analogy so it just makes sense. So, you know, like when you start to get an itchy throat when you feel like a cold coming on. Everybody has that [unclear 41:15] and you start taking medicine, it'll slow it down. It's like, it pushes it back. Like, nah, your mama started giving you tea and your grandma started giving you herbs. It's because it's like, no, no, no, no, no, we are good. We are good. So now you're starting to fight it. So it's the same thing with herpes. As soon as you start seeing that feeling as tingling or the headaches or the aching or whatever is important to start your treatment, which most people treat as antivirals now, I'm not against it. I'm so for it because it works for some people and it doesn't work for some, what I do want to say about the antiviral, is it is not a cure. It is not anything but a bootleg babysitter. I mean, literally a bootleg birth control. That's all it is. Because if you don't get it quick enough, it's going to full-blown do what it's going to do? You're going to get pregnant this time or you're going to drop the baby because you were depressed. It's just the type of mindset. If you think of it like that, it's just very important to catch it when it starts. That's when antivirals are best because the antivirals internally focus on the virus only, it does not care about your symptoms. That's where I came in and I created products, which I can talk about.

Faith: So tell me this real quick. So as far as the antiviral is concerned, is that something that every time that you have an outbreak, you have to go back to the doctor, or do you just have a prescription and you just refill it?

Belize: It depends on how your doctor rolls. What you can do is say, hey doc, I want to have just some refills and you can ask him to make you a couple of refills. Your doctor will typically give you a 500 milligram once a day or twice a day, depending on for 7 to 10 days, depending on how your outbreaks roll. Sometimes you have to go back but I feel like you don't really have to go back and pay a copay, just call in, and tell whoever you're talking like, hey, I want to get a prescription refill. How can I do that without seeing the doctor? They already did it. And you just tell them, Hey, I have, sometimes you don't want to see herpes because you feel, if you still kind of scared, just say I have HSP and I want to get a refill because I'm experiencing symptoms and it was okay, no problem. We'll send you a prescription. So you don't have to feel like you have to pay a copay for your doctor to come to get a piece of paper like it's a waste of money or you can do HerpAlert. HerpAlert is really, really good. It's a company that literally lets you talk to doctors to get you some medicine. If you can't get to your doctor or you don't have insurance, they do it at a cheaper rate, a really cheaper rate.

Faith: And what is it called again, HerpAlert?

Belize: And then just use my discount, it’s called release 25

Faith: And we're going to drop that in the show notes for sure. So I know that since we're on the, you know, in the same vein of like treatment options, I know that you have a line of products. Do you want to talk a little bit about that?

Belize: Listen, listen, I love it. Because I'm the first black woman who has herpes, who decided to want to create products that are all-natural,

Faith: But I'm really curious, right? So what are some of the biggest hurdles people face once they receive a diagnosis?

Belize: Nobody's going to want me. It's psychological. Herpes is more physical than it is. I mean, herpes is more mental than it is physical. One thing your doctor will not offer you is psychological support. That's not their job. Their job is to treat you and see. Now, you have to do the job to find me. You have to do your job to find your therapist or a counselor or a mental health therapist or something of that sort to help you with your mental because herpes is a mental issue. Because now you're thinking that nobody's going to want me there to discuss it. Let me tell you why I think that because you've been hearing it forever. Anytime you hear herpes is always negative. If I hear HIV, I don't hear negative anymore. I hear oh, advancement. I hear, oh we got it under control. I hear I can, I can live with that and be just fine.

Faith: I don't know. I think that HIV is still, it actually probably has more stigma attached to it than even herpes in my opinion, because it's kind of like, if you think about it, when it first rolled out and even up until, you know, recent, right. It's like a lot of people have thought of it as a death sentence.

Belize: I know that a lot of people confuse HIV and AIDS all day, I hear it all day, but that may because the circles I'm in, we don't talk like that. We're very educated within our circles and most of us, and I'm going to say this, and this is why I say it's not a... It's still a stigma. I'm not taking it, it is [unclear 45:29] the contracting and how you feel and disclosing and things like that. But when I say stigma, you will not see anybody other than the baby ignorant behind, other than the baby, stand on a platform and say something ignorant about HIV. Outside of that, you won't catch that anymore because those people will comfort your soul because many people have lost family members to HIV.

We all know, everybody at least knows one person. You may not be close, but you at least know one person who probably lost their life or know somebody who is living with it and living fine. It's become not as closed off and hiding anymore like we used to. I was so proud when Billy Porter came out with it because at the end of the day, I understand why he didn't say anything. In that era, he wouldn't have been able to work. Billy wouldn't be where he is today if Billy had told his status because they accepted him because they thought he was a homosexual man and fine because back then the time he was a homosexual, gay guys were getting hurt and getting HIV like crazy.

Faith: Oh yeah, and dying from it like flies. Yeah, drop like flies.

Belize: They would've stigmatized him so bad that he would not be Billy Porter in Auburn. So I am kind of happy that he even it up a little bit and able to do it now. But that's why I'm saying we are the stigma, it's still on platforms; people are still able to say negative things about individuals with herpes with no remorse and no consequence because the baby's in trouble.

Faith: Yeah. He should be in trouble. But the baby that's a whole other story. His name isn't the baby.

Belize: I'm just saying, with that, HIV has gotten to a place where they will not allow it because they've have systems in place to handle it. So people will rush in and say, hey, we'll take you to the side and educate you, we'll take your side and do this. We don't have that for herpes because we're scary? We are super mother freaking scary.

Faith: Yep. And that's why I appreciate you and like the creation of your platform because you talk about it so openly and honestly. And I think that it's so important. And that's really, you know, in alignment with the podcast. We talk about topics that are taboo that people sweep under the rug or that are often woven in shame. And it's like, I appreciate you even more because you like, shame can only live if you allow it and you like, I'm not living in shame.

Belize: I just told somebody that the other day. I was like shame is your problem, not mine. Okay. No shame in my life.

Faith: Right on. So, I mean, you said the biggest hurdle is like that mental hurdle, when they receive the diagnosis. So before we started the interview, I was talking about how I had read an article, maybe a couple of months ago and it was talking about the increase of folks contracting STDs, particularly, women of color in this 30, 40, and 50 year old age group and it's increasing. And I'm like, why aren't people talking about it? And so I think that one of the things that I really want to ask you, especially given your coaching aspect of the work that you do, is how would you suggest that someone go about disclosing if they have herpes with a partner or maybe a prospective partner because I think that that's one of the big challenges?

Belize: It's interesting. My clients are 30 and above. That's what I talk to on a regular basis between men and women, but majority black women that are between 30 and above. I was in Essence and when I was in Essence, I talked to 40 and above because you know, Essence is typically the mark 35 and above women. All the women were married or getting divorce and didn't know how to get back into the world.

Faith: Interesting. So when you say they were married, is that like you know, its anecdotal data though, right? And so when you say they were married...

Belize: Notice, if you look at, if anybody looks at Essence, Essence is not for a young generation and it's not for 30s, it's like 35 and beyond because the stuff they talk about is women who really are into their career. Women are caring about their children, and their marriages, it's like information for women, mature women and I'm not saying other women are not mature, but you can tell where these women's heads are based on the information they share. So I talked about dating. It's so funny. I talked about dating in Essence and I was just, you know, the mental turmoil, especially African-American women, we believe we're already disconnected from our men. Let's be honest, we don't know how to talk to our men. We don't know how to love them, we don't know how to get to them. We don't, they know us, but we don't know them.

All we're taught is to be cute, cook and clean. Like literally don't be in the age break, that's how they were raised. They weren't taught how to get to his heart and how to get him comfortable with talking to you and things like that. So most of these women went into dating with no level of communication, like healthy communication with a man. So now when it comes to finding out you have a diagnosis, how can I talk to somebody about something, when I already don't know how to talk to you about the basic things? I'm already scared that you're not going to like me, I'm already scared that you're not going to want me. I'm already limited with how many men are left.

So I'm like, oh, I don't know how to do this. So the biggest thing I always tell ladies is, before you date, you must accept yourself. You should not be dating and you don't love you. You can only love as much as you love. That is a principle. That's the main principle in the Bible. That's the main commitment. And we neglect it all the time. You love more people than you love yourself. You are out of line and you are out of order. You have to love yourself first. Stop trying to be with somebody. They are going to treat you how you treat you, what you say is what you do.

Faith: Yep. My mama always said, you teach people how to treat you.

Belize: That means teach yourself how to treat you. Sometimes that takes longer than we want it to be. But if you want to be in a healthy relationship; a healthy relationship is based on what you do to yourself and what you train other people to do, other people do to you. They are only going to do what you allow. We hear it all the time, but we don't really understand how. It's because that's what you do and that's what you're teaching them through your behaviors with yourself and what you allow them to do to you. So the biggest thing is, number one, accepting yourself. When it comes to accepting yourself, it comes to a place of, I got it and my life doesn't end. I got it but my life doesn't end, and you're not herpes. My name is Belize Spivey. My name is not herpes simplex virus. People [unclear 52:08] the virus, why? It's a virus, it just wants your body.

It didn't ask you to name it, you, it is like, I just want to host, thank you. That's all I want. And I'm going to keep on doing what I do. It didn't want you. It just wants you as a host. And some people just embody the negativity and misunderstanding that herpes come with. Herpes is very, very negative. And if you, when you get it, you feel negative, automatic, automatic. You hear me, I'll say automatic. So you've to separate yourself from herpes and just say, I have it, but I'm not it. And that takes some time for so many women that got low self-esteem already, they're dealing with depression already. They're dealing with things already. So this is the icing on the cake. I always say herpes is the icing on the cake. So my whole thing is now you have to deal with your past and you have to deal with your present.

So that's very important to deal with. And then after that, when it gets disclosed, when you disclose, it's not about them, women, black women, you all care to God damn much about everybody else, but yourself. What do you want? What are you looking for? Does he align with your life? Does he even want kids? Is he a good dad? Is he a gentleman? You will miss all that over a diagnosis and get in a relationship with somebody who is going to beat you across your head. He told you, he hit everybody. Because you weren't listening. You weren't listening to you. You were listening to it. Acceptance for it. Don't go in and disclose you're seeking acceptance. You're going to disclose and make sure you and that person can work together and herpes is just a thing that comes with you all. He's going to come with some baggage, you're going to come with it. It's just part of the bags. That's it. So I tell you when it gets to disclosing, make sure you're in those places. I tell anybody, those things are more important than saying it. You think of disclosure like, oh, he's going to tell me how to, I don't need to tell you how to, what I need to teach you is how to do this because half of you are all going to skip that part.

But when it's time to tell, it's just having a conversation, not making it a bad thing because if you go in and say, tell a man, I need to tell you something. He is already not going to listen to you. Don't ever tell no man, no color that. You tell him, I have to share something with you. It sounds like I want to give you something. Men are men, you know, so I was like, baby, I want to share something with you. Like, oh, what are you trying to give me? They're nasty, they just can't help it. I love them. But that is how they get down. So I think like feed off of what the words that make them feel happy and you know, things like that, you have to know, certain words are negative to me and in certain words are positive to me.

So I learned that sharing is a positive word to them. So I was like, hey, I want to share something with you. And he was like, what? Now he's perky because he’s like, okay, she's sharing her heart with me, you know? She said, trust me, you know, for her to share with me that she want to connect and you'll tell him, babe, you know, last relationship, I know we don't talk about our past but I'd like to talk about this because I think you should know in my last relationship I found out or if I went to the doctor, I found out, you need to tell your story, don't just say you have herpes because he going to think you a whore. Don't let him think that because herpes has got nothing to do with how many partners you have, at all. You can have one partner or none. You can get it from your mom and your daddy. It has nothing to do with anything, you could have gotten it from your preschool friend, how does that make you a whore? It doesn't. So we have herpes with being promiscuous, which is incorrect.

It's not correct at all. We shouldn't teach that sexual educators shouldn't even say that herpes is even consider a STI sometimes because at the end of the day, people assume, and you know, anytime you talk about sexual health, they say multiple partners increase your risk. You're right but we need to just start saying a partner increases your risk, interactions create your risk. Everybody don't consider everything sexual. Everybody don't think oral is sexual. They think it's just affection or fondling or whatever. They don't think that's affection. They don't think that's sex. So that's very important to think about. But you'll just tell him your story and then you'll tell him, this is what I have. I have herpes. Do not say HS nothing. He's going to think you said HIV. He is going to freak out, say herpes. It's the easiest thing for him to understand. Stop trying to cuddle it. It is what it is. You can't baby. It is what it is, herpes. I want to share that with you and you shut your mouth and don't say anything else. When I say don't say anything, don't say anything.

Faith: And then also allow them to process what you just share with them.

Belize: Yes, the process is slow.

Faith: And is this something that you suggest sharing in person or you know, how do you suggest doing this?

Belize: Over the phone or in person is fine. Do not text anybody this at all. Facetime is fine. I say do it the way you all communicate the most. But I would tell, especially my women who are trying to cop out and not. Don't send anybody this personal information through a text. We know what type of world, we're in an exposing world right now. You don't know who doesn't like you, you don't know who you're pissing off. Some people are offended by you and you don't realize it. When females get their feelings involved, you get your feelings hurt. We get too involved without asking for enough information and so my whole thing is I say no later than three months, most people are not going to make it past a month. Let's keep it real. Some people are going to fall off in the next two weeks because people are inconsistent and you don't have time for it. So three months should give you a good, okay, we're getting to know each other. You know, we'll have a good time together. We're not intimate, no kissing, no fondling, no oral sex, no sex, no nothing.

Faith: You said no kissing?

Belize: Nope, no nothing.

Faith: No kissing for three months?

Belize: And this the thing I said no later than three months, because if you want to be... my thing is, I say this because what we tend to do is do stuff and then want to backtrack and tell nobody. A man is going to be pissed at you if you had information and you did not share, he's going to feel like you did it on purpose.

Faith: Got it. So, I mean, when you said no kissing, it's kind of like that's what people do, right? Sometimes people kiss on the first date.

Belize: We shouldn't be doing that. I don't know you. See, what we've been doing is backward. We've been taught to act and not communicate. We are learned to act and not communicate. You don't even know what risk you're putting yourself in. You can have herpes, gonorrhea, chlamydia, simplex, it's all in your mouth. Don't let them at HIV. They're not taking their medicine, so they don't know and they have a cut in their mouth. You don't know. We don't think about it because we like, oh, well, if they have it, they wouldn't do anything. That's the problem. Most people don't know. They don't know. So we have to [unclear 59:26]. It's really a lot of don't know, a lot of people who have it, they say, like why they been by themselves for years, they're isolated. They say, I don't want anybody. They say, compared to that person who doesn't know, they willy nilly, they don't think that's going to happen to them. So my whole thing is when you go into dating anybody, men and women, we have to have self-control. Nothing is wrong with flirting. I'm one of the biggest flirts you will find, and I'm not putting my mouth on you.

I don't know where you were yesterday, I don't. So my whole thing is, I'm not saying like waiting for three months. What I'm saying is, you have a three month span to get to know this person enough to determine where you all want to be. If that's just going to be sex partners, I'm not judging you, been there, done that, I've done it. Make sure that's agreed upon. If you are all in a relationship, it's agreed upon. You all don't have to be in an official relationship. I'm going to say this because a lot of people feel like three months I need to be together. Sometimes it's too early. Just say, we are seeking to see if we can be exclusive, but this exclusiveness is not officially together, it's just giving us more time to get to know each other and later down the line we can make it official if we are going to be together. Because I think we are not being taught that exclusive is not I'm with you. We've been taught wrong in this [unclear 01:00:49].

Exclusive is like, I just don't let anybody in so I can get to know you alone. And nothing else is in my ears. Dating is when I date multiple people until we become exclusive. And then our relationship is we are together. This is it. We don't have to know each other. But if we learn how to go through the stages, we can determine if this is the person for you because you may get exclusive and you see too much, you're like, whoa, I don't like you. But for some people, we get into that exclusive, get settled, get locked in, get committed; you don't like them, but you don't want to leave because you committed yourself to somebody and you didn't know them enough yet.

Faith: Girl, you over here dropping gyms. I think that that's on point right there. That's on point. So along those lines, do you think that, is there such a thing as saying something too soon?

Belize: No, absolutely not. I could say for me, I have no choice. This is what I do for a living. First thing you do when you meet somebody, hey, how are you doing? You know, you all get to talking. So what do you do for a living? I could say, oh, I'm a life coach. I've done it because I just want to see what's going to happen. I like to do trial and error with different men. I do that just to see what their head is set first and then I'll share information later. But you know, everybody likes to follow you on social media so you can't hide everything, you know? They're going to look you up.

Faith: Oh yeah. They're going to Google you and all that because if they don't, you're going to do it to them. So why wouldn't they do it to you?

Belize: I would go on Instagram instantly. I would go to my friend to find you. I just did that to somebody. I literally, he told me on his Instagram, but he didn't tell me I went through my home girl, which is her husband's best friend. And I literally... boom, found you, follow. Got you, bro. I'm serious.

Faith: No, I feel you. I feel you. So you know, I'm really big on communities, support groups and all that kind of stuff. I'm wondering, I'm just curious to know. Are there dating websites for people who have herpes? She's rolling her eyes, you guys don't get to see this.

Belize: It's trash. The thing is, stop trying to date men and just date. You copy stuff out. You're going to miss out. If you're that scared of this whole thing, then you don't need anybody. You need to do the work, like I said, that most of you all will not do, which is to help you to get the work done that accepts yourself and loves yourself. I have no problem getting a man. They are in the DMs, heavy. I had a lot of sex in my life. I'll probably have more sex and you are all older than me, with herpes and without it. It didn't stop no show. Honestly, man, was the fact that I was so bold and told them, they were like, man, that's sexy, men love [unclear 01:03:43], they love it. They were like, she owns her crap. And so if it happens, I can't get mad. She was owning it. Men love people who own them.

Faith: And you still have your confidence. And I think that that's even more powerful. Men love a confident woman, right?

Belize: I say this to any woman. And I say this for my women who are struggling with their insecurities, but you are cute. Okay. You wonder why he picked her and not you; her confidence is on a thousand. So you may not see it, but he sees it. Just because you are cute doesn't mean anything. Men love confidence. Yeah, he wants eye candy baby, he does. But the confidence, men are more attracted to your character than we know, especially black men. We don't like to hear it, but it's the truth. Yeah, they may, you know, be with the girl because she's cute, whatever. But if you get into conversations, talking to men and ladies, I really want you to get along, listen to men speak and they're being vulnerable, you realize, man, I'm looking for a chick who really is this, and she's this and she's that, he's looking for characteristics. And if [unclear 01:04:50] characteristics look at his moment because that's what he is looking for because that's what he was raised with all his life, 40, 50, you know, 18. That's all he knows in the women. Look at the women in his life. If you don't align with them, you are not her because she's looking for those characteristics. He was not looking for how she looked. He's looking for characteristics because that woman fit into his life.

Faith: Yep, the characteristics, the values that are important to him, all those things. Yep. Absolutely. So tell me this Belize, I know that. So you have your coaching that you do, you have the products that you sell but do you also have a support group?

Belize: Yes, I do have a support group and it's a very exclusive group. It's not as big as my platform. Most of my platforms are between 18 and 20,000 people and more, sometimes I get millions of people watching it. But this group is really exclusive. It's only 1600 of us and I get like that because it keeps [unclear 01:05:47], yes.

Faith: Girl. That's a lot of people, 1600. You have built a community of women like, come on, what?

Belize: No. I say it in that way because you have been in groups, it's hundreds and hundreds, and thousands. It's too much and I love to keep the group intimate and keep the respect there because I don't monitor my groups. I do, but I don't hold grown people's hands. Other than you working with me. If you're in a support group, you're not here for me, you're here for the group. So I let them govern each other and I did real good with a foundation of how we love each other, we respect each other and apologize and try to be mindful of each other. So these ladies literally counsel each other through whatever.

Faith: And so if there is someone who would like to be a part of your group, how would they do so?

Belize: Well you can go to my Instagram [unclear 01:06:41] follow my Instagram. So that's @coachbelize and then you'll hit the link and its right there and it's only for women.

Faith: Only for women.

Belize: And it's free on Facebook. And I'm going to say, it is a private group, nobody's going to see it on your timeline. I like to tell people that because you're scared. It's an open group enough that you can find it. But even if you find my group, you have to know me. They say you are referred by Belize Spivey. You have to know who Belize Spivey is to be in this group. And the only people you're going to see in that group are the people that you know. Now, if you're that nervous and you see somebody in there, you can create another group. I have many ladies who create other pages just to mask themselves because you don't know who doesn't like you. So I am not against it. So there is nothing wrong with that if that's what you want to do, you can just put it in the intro, like, have another page, a new page because you know, just for comfort level and that's fine. I never want you to feel like you have to be forced to use your main page. You don't, okay.

Faith: Awesome. So for women who are listening to this, we have your awesome Facebook group, this VIP exclusive but what are some of the suggested resources and tools for women who are living with herpes that they can add to their toolkit?

Belize: So, I have a YouTube channel that has over 300 and some videos.

Faith: Okay. So we got your YouTube page.

Belize: You're going to my YouTube. So that's Belize Spivey, as well. You can find me with ease, make sure you're like that too. And then look up herpes could never on Instagram. That's where every herpes activist is under one umbrella.

Faith: It's called herpes can never?

Belize: Could never.

Faith: Could never, is this a hashtag or is this an actual page?

Belize: No, It's an official organization. It's run by Shayna Singleton and...

Faith: Oh, I've seen her, she is making all the funny reels and stuff. She's hilarious.

Belize: Like I love it. Shayna does what I don't do. She's super relatable. She's super funny. She keeps it real plus Shayna's younger than me. So, she keeps it very much... This is our time and Shayna's amazing. I'm so proud of her, proud of her business partner, Amber and they're building a huge platform at Herpes can Never, so I'll tell you, please follow them because they are about to do some major stuff and all of us are going to be under one umbrella.

Faith: Oh, that's super dope, awesome. So listen, I'm going to do a quick fire and I'm going to ask you a series of questions and whatever first comes to mind you know, shoot it.

Belize: I'll do it, okay.

Faith: OK. All right. Tacos or pizza?

Belize: Tacos.

Faith: LA or Miami?

Belize: LA. I'm about to move there next year.

Faith: Winter or fall?

Belize: Fall.

Faith: HBCU or PWI?

Belize: Both. I did both. I can't take [unclear 01:09:37] DEVO.

Faith: Therapy or prayer?

Belize: Therapy. I do pray, but I've been to therapy.

Faith: So you believe in therapy. All right. Beach or the lake?

Belize: Beach. Lakes are nasty.

Faith: Rain or snow?

Belize: Rain. I don't like to be cold.

Faith: Would you rather redo the last five years or fast forward five years?

Belize: Fast forward. I want my husband and my new baby.

Faith: All right. So that was awesome. That's it for the quick fire. And it was actually, it was hilarious too. So listen, Belize, queen, I am so appreciative of your dope platform, your, the work that you are doing and just the humor and the joy that you bring to this. I definitely want to say, I think this was one of my most favorite interviews. So, queen, keep doing what you are doing and thank you. Thank you so much for sharing your story and sharing your incredible advocacy work in this field. I'll be sure to leave all of the links and all of the wonderful resources that you shared today in the show notes. Is there anything else that you want to share?

Belize: The only thing I want to share is that if you heard today, you are responsible for the information I gave you. There is no reason you should go back out there and not move accordingly. I don't care if you move accordingly, go in a room where you all are doing those talks and say, babe, you know, anybody who has herpes or have you ever heard of it because you'll be surprised that your partner don't know and what they don't know, you don't know. You are all on the same level. Make sure you have these conversations, they're uncomfortable, but they're healthy.

Faith: Awesome. And with that, we're out.

Outro: So I hope you enjoyed this episode. And if you did, be sure to follow or subscribe to the show to make sure that you never miss a new episode. And also be sure to share the episode or podcast with another queen who might benefit. And before I go, I need your help. Please be sure to leave me a five star rating and review wherever you consume your podcast, this way more women are able to find the show and access the information that we share here. Also, if it's on your heart to buy me a coffee, any support that you're willing to provide to help me sustain this podcast is greatly appreciated. In the meantime, you can always follow us on all social media platforms at the Sista Circle Podcast, as well as via the website, thesistacirclepodcast.com. With love, Faith.

People on this episode

Faith S. Alaribe

Host