The Sista Circle Podcast

Late ADHD Diagnosis, Creating Community for Black Women and Practicing Self-Compassion w/ IngerShaye Colzie

• Faith S. Alaribe • Season 2 • Episode 16

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EPISODE OVERVIEW: I interview ADHD advocate, coach and psychotherapist, IngerShaye Colzie. During our conversation we discussed how her son’s ADHD diagnosis led to her own diagnosis later in life, the importance of community and how it led to the creation of her Facebook group for Black women executives and entrepreneurs, the struggles of ADHD, benefits of coaching, and so much more!

In this episode we talk about:

  • How her son’s diagnosis led to her own diagnosis later in life
  • The unique challenges of Black professional women with ADHD
  • The importance of practicing self-love and compassion
  • The why behind creating a Facebook group for Black women executives and entrepreneurs with ADHD
  • The often complex path to getting an ADHD diagnosis and the importance of finding a culturally competent provider
  • Whether or not to disclose your condition at work
  • How coaching for ADHD can benefit you, and,
  • So much more!

ABOUT THE GUEST: Inger Shaye Colzie is an ADHD Coach and Psychotherapist specializing in making a difference for Black women executives and entrepreneurs. She has successfully run her practice, Alchemy Coaching & Counseling, as a therapist and Licensed Clinical Social Worker for 15 years in spite of being undiagnosed until in her 50s. She offers the benefits of professional expertise with a lifetime of experience.

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EP.16 | Late ADHD Diagnosis, Creating Community for Black Women and Practicing Self-Compassion w/ IngerShaye Colzie

Intro: Hey queen, I'm Faith Alaribe, the founder and host of the Sista Circle Podcast. Around here we have honest and real conversations about our health, mental health and wellness, topics that deeply impact our lives as women of color. And all with the mission to provide the information, tools and resources to fill up our wellness toolkits, make informed decisions and to allow us to thrive in every area of our lives. So, get ready to be enlightened informed and inspired. Go ahead and get comfortable queen consider this your official welcome to the Sista Circle.

Faith: Hey Queens. I'm really excited about today's guest and topic. In this episode, I interviewed Inger Shaye Colzie, an ADHD coach and psychotherapist who specializes in making a difference for black women executives and entrepreneurs. So I initially discovered Inger Shaye while binging on podcasts about all things ADHD. And from there, I joined her Facebook group for black women executives and entrepreneurs with ADHD and have been a huge fan of her work and just her as a human ever since. She's a huge advocate in ADHD space and has been a big inspiration to me as I continue to navigate and manage my own experience with the condition, while also speak more openly about it as well. So that being said, the episode is hella dope, and let's get into it. So Inger Shaye, I first just want to start with saying how grateful I am to have you join us, and welcome to the Sista Circle, queen.

Inger Shaye: Oh, thank you so much for having me. I'm like really excited to be here with you. I've listened to your podcast for a long time and I'm just so excited that we decide to get together and share some knowledge with people.

Faith: Listen, I didn't know that she listened to the podcast, so I'm super excited. So listen, I'm curious to know who is Inger Shaye.

Inger Shaye: Well, I am so funny. I am an ADHD leadership coach for black women with ADHD. I'm also a psychotherapist, I'm a mom of a son with ADHD and I have ADHD myself. I was not diagnosed with my ADHD until I was in my fifties, so it's very interesting when I talk to people and we talk about late stage diagnosis, like what that actually means, because when people are diagnosed in their twenties. I have many people [unclear02:42] was 20, 25 and like I can double that. But it's that thing where it's something that has been elusive to all of us for a lot of our lives. We just couldn't put our finger on what was different or what just didn't seem to add up. So for myself, they didn't really have... they had the diagnosis of ADHD when I was younger, we surely didn't know much about it, and so that was never even ever mentioned to me as that could be a thing. It was more that I would be disorganized or late.

So people were able to lean into the different things that I had going on that they did like. So I presented as somebody who was disorganized and late, but always very funny and kind. It was interesting when I moved from Philadelphia to the suburbs; my mother had them give me a test so they would not be behind in school. No one had passed that test for like 40 years. I passed it with flying colors and remembered all of the questions on the test. So, that puts you in that exceptional category, which can be a lot of pressure, especially on a child who is disorganized and late.

So when I was not always able to achieve the goals that they had for school, it was very confusing to my mom and to most of the people around me. I was able to make a lot of friends and I was able to have a lot of support with my parents. They were just very supportive in whatever it is that I needed they would give to me. When I went to college, the support strap away; they were around and they were supportive, but having friends, having some structure totally left, and it took me eight years to get out of undergrad. I'm always amazed at the fact that how I managed to stay above the level of the grade level where I never got suspended out of school, but not able to graduate. That is ADHD in itself. But it did take me eight years, and it wasn't until about the sixth year of college, when my father, you know, we were on the phone, actually it was a payphone, that's how old I am. "I think it's time for you to come home." And I was like, "No, I think I had this figured out. I think it's figured out." And he was like, "Well, I'll give you one more semester."

So when there was a time period place on it, it seemed to help kick me in the gear and to start using the things that I knew that worked for me. Like actually getting a up and go to class and not worrying about what I looked like when I got there. What mattered was that I got to class. Having people help me with notes - it's hard for me to take notes, so people would just help me and give me their notes. Having my girlfriend type my papers; I still can't type to this day. So back then it was on a typewriter. Now I cannot type, I'm a two finger girl. So I can't type even now, but my girlfriend would type my papers and that was a typewriter, so you can imagine how much hard it was. So I would show up with a paper and she would say, when do you need this done? And I'd be like, "I don't know, three hours." And she was a great typist. And so she would be like, "I can't believe you, blah, blah, blah." But then I'd give her a couple dollars and she would type it because they weren't grading me on the typing. They were grading me on the paper.

And so, leaning into those resources that I figured out that worked for me, helped me to be able to graduate from college. And I have some of the similar stories that people have many different jobs, not really fitting into a lot of different jobs, being that they were a square peg, trying to fit in a round hole. And one day I was like, you know what? I don't want to do this anymore, because it made me feel bad about myself. It was always very confusing. So I decided as I was going to go to law school that I'm going to go to beauty school because now my parents have paid enough and I'm going to have to pay for my own schooling because I was an adult.

Faith: So, help me understand. So you graduated from undergrad and then you wanted to go to law school. And so you said that instead, you went to Beauty College to help pay for law school or what was the logic behind that?

Inger Shaye: Yes. So there's a gap in between. If I tell you my whole story, it'll take up the whole entire hour, so I'm trying to condense it a bit. There was a gap of many years. I don't even know how many years, maybe seven, where I went from job to job where I'd be great for a while and I decided I don't like it. And then I would want to quit or quit before they would fire me or they would fire me. Or I'd get a job with way too many executive functioning skills or a job that made you sit in a chair and sit behind a desk because I'm also a little older where those were the jobs that people told you were the jobs you should have. You should go and get a corporate job, sit behind a desk, do what they tell you to do, and in 25 years, get your gold watch.

That's not who I am, so it wasn't working. I kept trying to fit myself into that, into that mold. And then somebody said, you should go to law school because everybody needs their JD and could always use it, which I don't know why that was a thought, but I was like okay. But I knew I would have to pay for it because I was now in my like late twenties, you know? And my parents had paid for eight years of undergraduate school, so that's when I said, well, I'm going to just... the girl that did my nail said, go get your nail license, you can do that part-time. And so I went to beauty school and I got my cosmetology license, and I started to do that. And I was like, "Oh, this is where I belong."

Inger Shaye: I was so happy there, I was successful there. I've worked there for 25 years with the same woman at her salon. I just finished - I used to still work on Saturdays because I liked it so much. Even though I started doing all of this, I've been working on Saturdays for a long time, and I just finished my practice and my coaching business has really exploded. And I have a kid to take care of also, so I have something had to give. But I really enjoyed it because it was different, you know, with different people. I got to interact with people. I got to move around. I got to make my own schedule. It was all the ADHD things that are great, and all this time I didn't know that I had ADHD.

About 10 years into being at the salon, one day, I was like, "I think I might want to do something else too." And I said, what are you good at? What I'm good at is talking to people and helping them figure out their problems because that's what we do in a salon. Ladies, we know that. So I went back and I got my master's in social work and I'm a therapist then because I wanted to be a therapist. So I was a therapist and I still working the salon. In the meantime, I did have my son. I actually had my son while I was in graduate school. I applied for graduate school, got accepted and got pregnant. So, my entire time at graduate school, I was either pregnant or had a baby, and I finished graduate school on time. I didn't miss any time from graduate school, which is interesting as it took eight years for undergrad, but graduate school, when it was good, I could type with just two fingers because I would hold a baby and stay up all night and type papers.

And actually that was not as difficult as it sounds for me because I was interested in and I had a goal and I had someone else to take care of. And you know, that interest based attention span can really work for you when you let it. So I was able to do that and I've been able to run a practice for over 15 years, even though a lot of the executive functioning portions have been very, very difficult. I think it's important to note that my son is ADHD and I didn't realize I had ADHD until he was diagnosed. You know, school calls you and says, oh I think we should do some tests. And when they send those rating scales home, as you start checking them off and like, "Oh, and that's me and that's me. It's like, Ooh, that's me." And all the scale, like why are you? It's like, I must have this also, but I didn't go to get a diagnosis because I had to take care of him. It's very difficult to take care of a middle school, black boy and we were going to a white school.

There was a lot of stress and tension and things I had to manage with him and my business and my other job and my relationship, you know, his father and all those things, so I didn't take care of myself until later. It wasn't until as a therapist, I started losing words. I would be in sessions and know the word I wanted to say, but couldn't recall it. And I got really scared. I thought I had early ones at Alzheimer's, and I was like, oh crap. But then I started to do some research and then I realized that it could be ADHD. I was able to find a person that would diagnose ADHD. I had to drive like an hour and a half away to get a diagnosis, but I was diagnosed and then I got on medication and then I discovered coaching after that. So, that's what I mean it's like a really long story that I wanted to condense for you because there's so much.

Faith: There's a whole lot of meat in that. There's a whole lot of meat in that. So tell me this Inger Shaye, so when you finally got the actual diagnosis, like what did you do once you found out?

Inger Shaye: Well, it was interesting because again, what's really interesting is being a therapist, we don't get a lot of knowledge with ADHD. I think if we got a paragraph on ADHD when I was in school; that might have been all we got. It was all about like little white boys fidgeting and falling out of their chairs. So to me, it's the kids' disease and it had nothing to do you with me. So I was unaware of it until I looked at, like I said, the rating scale that came and I was like, well, that still applies to you. So when I realized you could have an adult diagnosis and I went to get it, I was not shocked. I was like, yes, I knew it, I just wanted something to confirm it. And there that minute of like, holy crap, well then what does this mean for you?

And there was only one moment of, "Hey, well what would be a little different," but not really, not for a long time - probably why I was still sitting in her office at that moment. It was more for me that now that I know exactly what it is, that means that now I have something that I can work on because I'm always trying to work on something. That's how my brain works. It's like, let's figure this out, let's figure this out. So I decided I was going to figure this out and that is how I got to coaching because I was like, if I have to figure this out, then I'm going to have to do now all research on adults, instead of research on kids, which is where all my research was before because I was trying to help my son. So, I know that some people have a lot of regrets when they have their diagnosis, but I've always felt that the fact that I didn't know, and there was just no way of knowing has allowed me to have a lot of, you know, I say figure it out. I can figure it out. I have a lot of grit because I've had to, because I've had to navigate and manage this ADHD for these 50 some odd years. And I think that it's something that I always try to help my clients lean into the strengths that you do have that you acquired only because as you have your ADHD.

Faith: Very interesting. So tell me this, what would you say... so you talked about coaching a little bit. Would you say that that's kind of been like most helpful to you after you had your diagnosis?

Inger Shaye: Yes. So again, I did some research and I realized that you have to have your self-care, sleeping, eating, drinking water, which a lot of people miss. For me, socialization is important. So those different things, and trying to have some level of organization - that works for me, it doesn't work for anyone else, but that works for me. So I knew those are the things that I needed to do initially, and then I discovered coaching. Because in the beginning, I didn't know what coaching actually was. In fact, I was saying that I was offering coaching and until I knew what coaching really was, it's like, no, that's not what you were offering at all. I found coaching at the 2019 ADHD International Conference. It was here in Philadelphia and a coach wanted to do live coaching in front of a group. And he didn't want to be where you just call somebody out of the crowd and do coaching. He wanted to tell you about competency of coaching.

So we were doing an eight week coaching stint, and I was like, great, because I get free coaching. All I had to do is do a coaching session in front of people. So in the middle of the coaching, the eight weeks is when we did it in this big conference, in a room with about like a 75 women, mostly white women, we started coaching and all of a sudden I had this big ADHD breakthrough. It was scary and weird, but wonderful, like all at the same time, because I was surrounded by a whole bunch of people I didn't know. And the coach I had is Masterful Cameron [unclear16:39], and it was just kind of amazing to have that happen there. And then I walk out to a conference of all people with ADHD, so it wasn't like a regular conference where you just get like a little hand sandwich in a box and sit in different rooms. Everybody was all over, people were talking all over each other. People were just running around and doing whatever they were doing and no one seemed to care. And I was like, this is fantastic

Faith: In a space with folks, all like you. But Inger Shaye, tell me this, you said that you had this ADHD like breakthrough, what was that breakthrough? What was it like?

Inger Shaye: It's hard to explain, but I see it all the time with my clients. I always say like change takes time, but then change happens in an instance. And that's how this was it. We started coaching and we started discussing things about my beliefs about my ADHD and how it affected me. And that's what we do with coaching. And it's different for each person. But when you really get into a great coaching alignment because it's the partnership, at that moment, all those people, they disappeared. Kind of like a movie when people fall in love and it's like all the people disappear; that's what happened for me, at least, and [unclear17:54] coach also mentioned that that's what happened for him. But it was not in love, but in a partnership of going over that bridge of all those things that I thought about myself regarding the ADHD and how they weren't true.

And once there was a realization that really is not true, that you couldn't go back to say that maybe it is. It's like, no, it isn't those things aren't true. It just you have a brain-based condition, and that's okay. And that was really what the breakthrough was for me there. And when I see that with my clients, like the real acceptance of your ADHD, that's when the world opens up to you. Now, obviously that's where life begins; I also kind of feel like that's where my life began. Because once I accepted what was going on, instead of arguing with it, fusing with it, fighting, ignoring it, hiding it, masking, code switching in front of the white people because some of these things are a safety mechanism and I get it. But once I was able to actually accept my ADHD, it changed my life forever.

Faith: That's awesome. And that's super encouraging for me. So, I think that in that same vein, since you're talking about it from like a positive lens, what would you say are your superpowers?

Inger Shaye: My superpowers are one of them is that I can figure things out. You know, I've always had to figure things out because of my ADHD. And that is one of my greatest superpowers, the ability to figure out things and know that I can not worry about that, but also know when to let things go, the things I don't need to figure out to decide when, to just let it go and go with the flow. Also, another superpower is just in the acceptance of my ADHD, it's like the different ways that it affects me, knowing how it does that. So I can be late, I can be late to anything all the time if I let it, so I know I have to be intentional about what time things are knowing ahead of time knowing how long like the routine that I need to do before. I need to be somewhere if I need to be somewhere on time, maybe doing a test run. So I have to be intentional about the parts of my ADHD that really do affect me in my life that can be detrimental, because if you're late to everything, then a lot of times you'll miss out an opportunity. So your friends will be mad, or people think that you don't care, but really it's just your ADHD. So figuring out the parts that I really need to manage, and then having times I don't have to manage any.

Faith: Having some time. Yeah, no, that's real. I'm curious to know, what led you to then become like a coach for C-suite executive and entrepreneurs, specifically for black women?

Inger Shaye: I am an entrepreneur myself, and as I looked around for resources for women with ADHD and entrepreneurs and ways to be able to manage in those spaces, there weren't many. And when I looked for different ways to manage things that we have different, unique challenge, black women, there were no resources out there for entrepreneurs or executives. I started executive coaching right around the time I was doing ADHD coaching. And what I found is that there a lot of executives out there that have ADHD. And the ones that are black women, we have such much unique challenges as trying to move up in the workplace and managing the parts of our ADHD that will keep us from excelling. I found that there was a need for that, so our different value systems and boundaries. We have sometimes ways that we will not always address our own boundaries and allow people to put things on us, give us different projects. Sometimes take us out of our value system, asking us to do things that we don't feel that we should do or that we don't want to do. And being a black woman, many times you feel like I need to be able to do all the things that they're asking for, or I'm not going to be able to succeed.

So not being able to address those things, especially as it pertains to your ADHD, our ADHD will have us people pleasing. Our ADHD will have us disorganized working harder than anybody else and still not getting the results that we want. Our ADHD will have us with perfectionism. So maybe we're not turning in the reports on time or we could go over an email 25 times to make sure that the punctuation is right and the grammar's right, instead of just sending off the email. Those different things are part of the ADHD experience that we definitely need to address. But when you're in C-suites or in an executive level, there aren't many of us. And so, many people feel like you only have one shot at this.

And when you're really just aiming at the small little bulls-eye target, then all that pressure does not allow you to really flourish in your career because our ADHD, all the negative messages we've gotten all of our lives, especially since we were kids, that type of mindset will keep you from ascending and really make it so much more difficult to prosper. And you won't know exactly why this has happened and you can get stuck, and then you can just kind of lose yourself. We also have a balance of kids, right? A lot of us have kids or marriages, you know, most of the time black women are leaders in their household, leaders in their communities. There's lots of different things that are piled on top of us, that whole superwoman trope that then starts to kill us. And I mean, really does start to kill us, so it's just important to address that too.

It stresses you out, and when you're under all that stress, it exacerbates your ADHD and people don't realize that. So, those are the different ways, like especially executives, but even with entrepreneurs, it's like with an entrepreneur, you are your own boss, like I am myself. So setting a schedule for yourself when you have ADHD, that's hard. And yeah, some people, I want the flexibility. Do you really? Because you can flexibility your way out to like not having any money. So, you know, different ways to be able to manage yourself that way, like say even have your own level of organization, being able to make sure that you are putting out things that if you're an entrepreneur, what do people need? How do you know what they need? Making decisions - decisions fatigue is a real thing. Sometimes it can be really contemplative and not make any decisions, or sometimes just go at it like a bull in the China shop and then wonder why people are reacting in certain ways, so that when you can manage all these different things with your ADHD, you can be successful as a business person, whether you're entrepreneur, executive or any professional woman or really anyone in their lives. It's really important to manage these certain aspects to move up in the world.

Faith: Absolutely. I feel like you were speaking to my soul as you were just sharing those things. So, when you think about - like I often talk in reference to like a toolkit, right? A wellness toolkit. And I think about a lot of the unique challenges from like consistency, to procrastination, negative self-talk, all of those things, right? What are some tools that you just always kind of keeping your toolkit and you pull out when you are in need of them that have been really helpful to you?

Inger Shaye: That's very interesting because you know, everyone's toolbox is a little different, but there are some things that generally, most people need a little bit of assistance on. So when it's things like procrastination or motivation, which people sometimes kind of get mixed up, it's knowing the difference between the two and then being a able to deal with it. So when I have procrastination or lack of motivation, it's generally because I'm an overwhelmed. Oh, you're an overwhelmed? I have questions I ask myself. Why are you an overwhelmed? What's going on here? Is it that it's too many things on your plate? Is it that you don't know what you've been asked to do so you don't know what direction to go in? Is it that you think things are tasked and really their projects? So many times it's like, oh, I'm just going to send an email about something and send an attachment.

Then I have to - what is the email? Where is the attachment? I have to attach it. Is the email correct? Who am I sending it to? Sometimes that can be a project for me or for other people. So being able to break down things like that, that's very helpful in my toolbox. Self-care, like I said, eating, sleeping, drinking water, self-care for me is check in on my child to make sure that he's okay because if he's not okay, then I'm not okay. That I think's really important to like take that time out, and it doesn't have to be long realizing that if I take one minute to just check on him, then my mind can be clear to do the things that I need to do. Knowing what's actually asked of me; that's always a big one for me too - so clarification.

Many times it's like maybe we're not paying attention or we just don't understand what someone's asked of us and we'll just go. Like, I don't want them to know. And so having the self-confidence to ask for clarification or ask for something in writing, to having the self-confidence to do the things that you would be helpful for you and your ADHD. And the biggest one I think too is self-compassion, because there's many things in the toolbox that we can all use. I could give you a myriad of other ones, but some days none of them are going to work. Some days the ADHD is just going to win, and it doesn't have to win for the whole day, but you have to have self-compassion to be like, you know, sometimes that's what it's. And so, I say sometimes you're the bird, sometimes you're the statue and that's OK. We can clean it off. So having some self-compassion is very, very important. It's probably the most important thing because that is how you get rid of that negative self-talk and how you're able to pick yourself up and have resilience and say, you know, it's okay, because it is okay.

Faith: So for those who may be listening and may know like absolutely nothing about ADHD, what do you want them to know?

Inger Shaye: That's an interesting question too, because it's interesting in that many people don't know what ADHD is at all. They just have some assumptions. Even many clients that come to me, they just really have a lot of assumptions. So what it is, it's an actual brain-based condition. I don't feel like it's a disorder, although it is in the DSM, but it is a brain based condition that affects your executive functioning. So when your executive functioning is affected, it's things like prioritization, organization, like I said, time management, emotional regulation, things like that. So many times people don't realize the things that are happening for them is a function of their ADHD. It is not a character flaw. And I think that that's what I really want people to know. It's not a character flaw. It is a part of your brain-based condition that there are things that you can do about it.

So many times when other people see things and they're a little bit confused about why you do things; it's to be able to just ask for the things that you need and not always have to explain what ADHD is because it's so nuanced for each person. But to be able to take the time and say, "Hey, could you write out those instructions, because that way I'll know what I'm supposed to do." So, that's part of what I think for everyone to know, because I think that's the thing, what people know about ADHD and the assumptions they have, I'm not sure when we'll be able to get to everybody that they are actually going to realize it's a real thing. But because it's so different for each person, but when you can ask for what you need as a human being, then you are able to get what you need to have that your ADHD does not affect you so much, or at least affect you in a way that's negative. That way, you don't have to spend all that time in trying to explain it.

Some are a little hesitant in saying some of this stuff because I have many people come and they try to explain to their family, "Oh, it's just this. Oh, it's just my ADHD. Oh, it's my ADHD." And it causes such issues where when you can explain what just goes on for you; sometimes I get a little distracted and I can't hear you, can you repeat yourself? That's like so much more helpful. And then for other people to just repeat yourself, right?

Faith: Yeah. You don't have to always explain, like I have this condition. Tell me this, do you think that it's important for like professionals to disclose that information?

Inger Shaye: That's a really nuanced conversation. I mean it's covered by the Americans with Disabilities Act or the ADA, if you would like to. I will tell you, I tell people if they asked me what I would do, I don't tell people in that context of work, obviously my work is this, so it's a little different. But many times because there are all these different assumptions about ADHD, and a lot of times, especially with black women, there's already assumptions about you, that it's not always going to be beneficial to you, even if you want to use the law for you. Again, what I suggest for people is to ask for the accommodations you need. If you need a, a quiet room to do some reports and say, "Hey can I take two hours and go into this cubicle and get that it done for you?" Or again, something that's written down; "Can I just have the instructions written down." You know, being able to maybe work in a group where you're able to ask questions, so asking for what you need, I find works better because everybody wants you to be... they want their worked done, so they're hoping you can be successful.

So when you ask for what you need, it's not like you're coming at saying, there's something wrong with me. My ADHD is a deficit and then I need you to accommodate me. Versus, I'm just asking for what I need, which is what everyone should do. Everyone should just ask for what they need. So again, it's obviously a personal decision, but it's just something that when people ask me my actual advice and you know in coaching, it's not advice. But if you're asking for advice, I tell people, no, not to disclose.

Faith: I couldn't agree more. So, I think that for the women who are listening and they either have a diagnosis or are questioning whether or not they might have ADHD, what do you want them to know?

Inger Shaye: That if you are questioning if you have ADHD and you want a diagnosis, because some people, they don't really want a diagnosis; they just think that they do and they're fine with that. And I'm fine with that. If you're fine with that, so to go on and you can still use different strategies that we use for ADHD, you just can't have medication if that's one of the strategies you want to use. If you want to get diagnosed, make sure that you get a culturally competent person to be able to give you a diagnosis. What can happen a lot of times is the fact that you being a black woman and you might come and say, "Well, you know, all these things that happened to me and I'm sad about it." They might say you're depressed. Or all these things happen for me, and sometimes like I can't sleep or I have racing thoughts; they might think you're anxious or you have anxiety. Or sometimes even it gets mixed up with bipolar if you have like rejected sensitivity disorder or a lot of dysregulation. So, you have to make sure you have someone who can pick apart how it manifests for black people and pick apart how it manifests for women.

For women, it's not that we're always hyperactive and wiggly and moving around. It may be; most of the time any of the hyperactivity moves inside of you. And it is the racing thoughts, it can feel like anxiety; it's that being hyper is not external, it's internal. And so, it's so different for women than what it is for men most of the time, because there are men that have like inattentive ADHD, but most of the time... So it can be missed, and that's why a lot of women are late stage diagnosis. You weren't a problem. You didn't really bother anybody. If you did, you weren't like jumping up and falling your chair or like stepping to the teacher or something like that. So it gets missed, especially when a lot of times women will turn inward and just really not want to say anything, so they think you're just a good girl. And we're told to be you should be a good girl, you should be a good girl. So, we're thinking it was working for us, but it's not working for us. So when you go to a provider to be sure that they can actually do a good history and know the nuances, the differences for women with ADHD, and then nuances for black women with ADHD.

And you can bring your own research. There's not a lot of research, but there are definitely some articles that you can bring with. You say like, "This is why I think I have ADHD. This is what I'm looking at here," so the provider can say, "Hey, oh, maybe these are things that I didn't know, or I didn't look at" to be able to get a diagnosis that way. And if you would like medication, then you're going to have to get a diagnosis. I also hope that people will keep going. If you don't get a diagnosis that you're happy with, go to someone else. I know it can be difficult and it can be a long road sometimes. But if you really want a diagnosis and you really think that your provider is wrong, we are not infallible. It's like, find somebody else that can be helpful to you.

So it's like, please keep going and reaching out for community like you have here on your podcast and like I have in my Facebook group for Black Women With ADHD Executive and Entrepreneurs, because those are the things that are really going to be helpful to you in the long run. Having community, having people to ask questions, being around people that are like yourself, that is so healing. So whether you think you have a diagnosis or you suspect that you have a diagnosis, it's like, jump in with people who are like you because we'll accept you and you don't have to apologize, right? There's no apology here.

Faith: So, what are some of the suggested resources that women with ADHD could access that would be helpful to them?

Inger Shaye: So there is Black Girl Off Key; she was the first person that I found or the only person I found early on that was doing any consistent work of blogs, things like that for black women. My friend, Renee Brooks, she's a doll and she's so helpful. ADHD is New Black, Stacy Michelle does a YouTube channel. It's very funny and it's very informative. And a lot of times when it comes in these little small bites that are funny, it's really easy to take in. There's another podcast called Translating ADHD, my coach and another coach, my coach Cam [unclear37:48], and another coach are on, they have that podcast. I have been on their podcast and it's like a coaching course for ADHD, that's what's really nice. For kids, ADHD Essentials. If you're a parent I should say, ADHD Essential. That's a great parenting podcast. And those things like starting there, right, because that's a lot of podcasts of things to listen to, you know, we can go down a rabbit hole, but if you start in those few places, I think you'll get a lot of information and it'd really be helpful.

Faith: That's awesome. One of the resources that I think is incredible and should definitely be mentioned is your Facebook Group.

Inger Shaye: My Facebook group is Black Women With ADHD Executives and Entrepreneurs to be free. It's a free Facebook group where we come together and we talk about things that are black women, ADHD, parent stuff, kids’ stuff, whatever we need to talk about, but you have community and spend time together in that space. So, it's really wonderful space. You know, there wasn't a space for black women that were professionals, so I decided to create one.

Faith: And it is an incredible group, so thank you for starting that. So listen, all of the information that you just shared with us today, I'll be sure to include in the show notes. And for those who want to connect with you, how can they do so?

Inger Shaye: Through my Facebook group, Black Women With ADHD Executives and Entrepreneurs. I'm at Inger Shaye on all of the socials, Instagram, Twitter, also my website is ingershaye.com.

Faith: Well, listen, queen, it's been a pleasure to have you here with me today. I'll learned some incredible new tools that I'm definitely adding to the toolkit. And I will definitely continue to be a part of your wonderful community that you've created. So with that, thank you for joining us.

Inger Shaye: Thank you so much. This was a joy.

Outro: So I hope you enjoyed this episode. And if you did, be sure to follow or subscribe to the show to make sure that you never miss a new episode. And also be sure to share the episode or podcast with another queen who might benefit. And before I go, I need your help. Please be sure to leave me a five star rating and review wherever you consume your podcast. This way more women are able to find the show and access the information that we share here. Also, if it's on your heart to buy me a coffee, any support that you're willing to provide to help me sustain this podcast is greatly appreciated. In the meantime, you can always follow us on all social media platforms at the Sista Circle Podcast, as well as via the website, thesistacirclepodcast.com. With love, Faith.


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Faith S. Alaribe

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